Crazy...?

I will warn you that this "quick post" has turned out to be kind of long.  You're a trooper if you read to the end.

Well, tomorrow is my second ultrasound of this cycle. 

TMI coming up...

I am a bit nervous because when I went in last Friday, while he said everything looked good, he couldn't see my left ovary because he said I should have gone to the bathroom before I came.  Really?  I had just gone.  But, now I feel all nervous it won't be any different.  I am probably not getting enough fiber in my diet.  I guess I need to eat more vegetables since I can't have whole wheat and things like that.

TMI over...


Besides that, I am surprised at how not freaked out I am.  I mean, I am trying to just not think about the egg retrieval because I am terribly nervous about that.  Like throw up nervous.  I am nervous about the IV, I am nervous I will wake up in the middle, I am nervous they'll mess up the anesthesia and I will not be working with a full deck when I wake up, I am nervous about the pain afterwards.  Just nervous.  Also, I have spent the last two years taking as little medicine as possible, drinking no caffeine or artificial sweeteners, and no alcohol.  And then, three to five days before I get pregnant, I am going to be filling my entire body with anesthesia and then taking pain meds that whole day and probably the next (I think, I am not sure how that works).  But, if you think I am going to suffer through it without pain medicine, well I am not that brave.  I am not into unproductive pain.  I am just thankful that my clinic puts you to sleep.  It seems like all the ones in my area do.  I have read blogs of people (mostly in other countries) where they do not and I think that's kind of cruel.  I mean, why not?  No one wants to remember that. 

I also know that my coworkers are all wondering what is going on with me but we are not talking about this with anyone except for one couple that we are the closest to at church.  We don't want people pulling us to the side to talk to us at church or accidentally saying something or worst of all, giving unwanted advice.  I have two friends that know we're struggling and they are the give advice types. 

"You need to go to a different doctor." 

"I had a neighbor who had a stressful job and when she quit her job she got pregnant.  I think you need to quit your job."  (Really, because then how will I pay for IVF when that doesn't work?)

Two of my close girlfriends (the one who we are telling about IVF and the one in the statement above saying I should quit my job) got pregnant after we'd been trying for a year.  Now, their boys are 6 weeks apart and they are both a little over a year old.  The one in that keeps telling me I should quit my job also says things like, "It's going to be so beneficial for you to be the last to have kids because you can watch us."  Really?  I was the first to get married and while I did think, wow, I wish I had thought of that, I never regretted it.  I think I'd be just fine having been the first to have kids and I know LOTS of great moms at my church. 

I don't know.  I love these girls and I know they love me and would never say something to hurt me.  They are true sisters in Christ and we are close.  I feel like I have kind of distanced myself in some ways to protect myself.  Mainly because I can't share all my struggles and feelings with them because they can't understand.  But, sometimes it does get on my nerves.  I mainly don't talk to two of them about it anymore because there is really nothing else to say since my husband and I have agreed to only tell the one couple.  Also, I figure I am probably just being too sensitive. 

We also have a set of friends that don't know anything about our struggles and the wife in that couple is constantly making comments and asking when we are going to get started.  Because we are going to really tell you if we haven't already.  She's clueless.  I'm afraid my husband is going to go off on her one day.  And he has a lot more patience than I do.  A lot.

What do you think?  Am I too sensitive or would you roll your eyes at some of those things?

Either way, I know that me not being in the "Mom Club" does not keep me from being friends and sisters in Christ with these ladies.  We have a relationship because we share a belief in the gospel and Jesus is our savior.  There is nothing that can change that.  I have to keep reminding myself that and working to be more like Christ.  The more Christ-like I am the less things like that will bother me.  I read something to the gist of this on a blog I found during ICLW and it was such a blessing to me to read that post.  It was such a great reminder.