Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Is It Over?

I know that this could be a good sign or a bad sign, but it feels like a bad sign.  I have been having menstrual-like cramps off and on for a week now, but they have been pretty much constant yesterday and today.  Today, I have had some spotting - like pink blood.  Also, and I know this is gross and TMI, but it always smells different "down there" when I am about to start my period.  It smells like that now.  Of course, it would probably smell like that if I have blood running out of my vagina no matter what it's for.  Yuck.

I told my husband that I didn't even see the point in testing tomorrow.  He wants to test.  He wants to know if we got pregnant or not.  He wants to make sure there is nothing we can do if we are pregnant and there is a problem.  I know that is the right thing to do.  I feel like my good attitude has been officially used up between the 2WW and work the last few weeks. 

I have tried very hard to stay calm and not get stressed at work but it is really hard.  I have also tried to leave more on time, but it's almost impossible with as much work as I have.  But, apparently what I am doing should be so much more easier than I am making it because both my boss and another coworker have said "that should be easy" or "that should be something you can put together pretty quickly".  Yes, I suppose if you are putting a budget together based on an average of previous periods and not bothering to get input from the managers as to whether or not they have any additional costs or cost savings, yes, it would be easy.  My boss, who is pretty much a genius, has said that to me about more than one topic in the last couple of weeks.  Yes, if I was a genius, I might agree.  And, I might make more money.  Or, I might work somewhere else. I have expressed my unhappiness with him at these assumptions.  Statements like that do nothing for my morale or self esteem.  It makes me want to quit.  I sometimes feel like I am working to pay for various types of treatment stemming from infertility and fertility treatments.

I went online yesterday and started looking for a new therapist.  I really need someone that will listen to me and not interject their opinion.  I don't know, maybe that is what therapy is supposed to be.  But, when I have made my beliefs and feelings clear on the subject, I do not feel it is appropriate for a medical professional who is there to help me with anxiety and infertility to try to convince me that I am wrong.  Of course, he would never do that...according to him.  But, I am tired of hearing the same stories about the same people over and over and how they think differently.  I do not share those beliefs and/or opinions and/or I think they are wrong.  Obviously if you are not a Christian and your beliefs are not founded in Biblical understanding, but in worldly understanding, you will not have the same perspective.  I am aware that my way of thinking about a lot of things is probably "abnormal" and "ultra conservative" and that is okay with me.  And, it's not all about religious beliefs.  It's sometime just stuff about personal preference.

Anyway, in summary - I think I'm about to start my period,  I am testing tomorrow anyway, I am losing touch with my good attitude, I am tired of working 10-12 hour days and driving 45 min to an hour (or more) each way just to feel unappreciated by my boss, and I need a new therapist for all the reasons above.  Shorter summary:  I am a mess.  I'll let y'all know what happens tomorrow.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Just Wait 'til Wednesday...

So, I am testing on Wednesday.  That is starting to feel further away by the minute.  I am just praying every day.  What else can I do?  I am praying to not be anxious also.  It's tempting to be anxious.  There, I said it. 

I hope you all have a good week.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

All Over But the Waiting!

We went in on Wednesday for the IUI.  We had to wait a lot longer than we usually do.  I of course had just emptied my bladder before getting undressed, but if I had drank any more water than I had (like I usually do before getting blood drawn), I probably would have had to get dressed and go again.  Well, DH did not go before we went in and he was about to wet his pants before it was all said and done.  :)

Dr. P is really a gentle person, but the speculum seriously felt like it wasn't in right and that my vagina was going to squeeze it right now.  I was having visions of it popping out and smacking him in the face.  Then, he failed to warn me when he was going in with the catheter.  It usually doesn't even hurt and I really didn't expect it to because I felt my cervix that morning and it felt nice and open.  Well, it hurt.  A.Lot.  And, since I wasn't expecting it, it surprised me so much that I screamed out loud and I am fairly certain I tightened every muscle down there and possibly raised my rearend off the table a little bit. By the time I regained control of my mind (because seriously, if I had been expecting it, I would have stayed perfectly still no matter how much it hurt), I relaxed and apologized.  I looked around and the Dr. and MA were both telling me I didn't need to apologize, the MA was reaching towards me, I guess to console me/hold me down, and the Dr. was then apologizing for not warning me.  We were having a good conversation, about what, I cannot remember.  Anyway.  I am sure, for the record, the pain wasn't that bad.  I think mostly it was that not only was I not expecting it to hurt, I wasn't forewarned that he was doing it.  This was my 5th one and the very first one hurt that bad, but it was done by a regular gyn, not an RE and I was seriously uptight.  I felt pretty relaxed except for my worries about the speculum popping out and smacking my RE in the face.

So, he instructed me to be pregnant in 12 days and to take a HPT then.  He also said to go ahead and take 100mg of Endometrin starting Saturday night - every night at bedtime.  So, I started that Saturday night.  I am still following the Circle + Bloom and I do enjoy doing it.  I am not sure I am doing the best job of emptying my mind, but I am doing my best.  If all went as it should, maybe I'll feel some implantation cramping one day later this week. 

My boobs, mainly my nipples, have been very sore since ovulation.  The last time I felt this way was the last time I was doing treatments, so I think it's the hormones they give me. But, this time it feels a lot worse, so maybe that means the hormones are doing a better job?!

I hope everyone has a good week!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

IUI Tomorrow Morning! and a little vent

The appointment on Sunday morning went well.  I have a follicle on each side - 17.66mm on the left and 17.98mm on the right.  I'd rather have more than that, but that's better than we've had in the past.  They gave me a shot of low dose HCG while I was there.  They could not get blood.  They stuck me 4 times in the left arm and couldn't get a good vein in the right so they didn't try (two people).  It was not the normal phlebotomists, so that's probably why.  We triggered Monday night (Ovidrel, thankfully).  The IUI is tomorrow morning.  DH's appointment is at 8am and mine is at 9:30.  I am going to stay home.  I may work some, but I will probably just stay home to do it to avoid any stress in the office.

I feel kind of like I am ovulating.  More than I have in a while.  Last month, I think I felt it, but this month is stronger.  I hope sperm meets egg and they have a happy union for the next 9 months.  DH is cutting up a pineapple for me right now!  I've heard it helps implantation.

There is a girl that sits on the other side of the cubicle wall and she is an attention-seeker.  She listens to her MP3 player all day and "whisper sings" loudly and then she eats lots of hard candy and makes these disgusting sucking sounds.  I have asked her not to sing several times so far (she's only sat there for a month or two) and I am about to have to tell her I can't stand the sucking.  I can't stand it.  I want to throw up every time I hear it.  I like this girl too.  I just think she needs attention so she seeks it in annoying ways like laughing annoyingly loud every time someone IMs her and cussing at people who email her and after she gets off the phone.  Bless her heart.  I just had to get that off my chest.

Okay, off to listen to Circle + Bloom!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

IUI Underway

Hi All!  It's been a while.  Things have been busy.  I have still been reading and commenting, just not doing my own posts. 

I have had a crazy few weeks.  While I was out of town for continuing education, just before my last post, my cousin was killed in a car accident.  He was 25.  I am not very close to that little branch of my family, but it was still a blow.  It's hard to believe that someone who is the same generation as me, and much younger, can have died.  His parents and sister are devastated.  I am praying that they will be able to pull themselves together and carry on.  I don't think any of them are saved, so I am praying that they will feel God in their lives and cling to Him.  If you could pray too, I would be thankful.  I didn't say anything in my last post because I wasn't sure what to say.  But, if has affected me, even though he wasn't someone I saw every day.  It's yet another reminder that we do not have the promise of tomorrow.

In other news, AF showed up on Sept 1.  We are doing an IUI this month.  Here is my protocol:

Day 3-7 Letrozole (2 per day)
Day 8 150 units Bravelle (FSH)
Day 11 Monitoring appointment with RE

Tomorrow is my monitoring appointment.  I am not sure what to expect.  The last IUI we have a very similar protocol, except I believe we used Menopur.  When I went in for my first monitoring appointment last time, we did a small injection of LH and then still had to go in for another injection a few days later.  I think it was the most expensive IUI in history since I had so many ultrasounds!  But, this time, I have been pregnant recently, so hopefully my body is primed.  I feel like I did when we were stimulating my ovaries for IVF, like they are doing something and kind of tired.  I am excited to see what my body has been up to. 

I have been listening to the Circle + Bloom for IUI/IVF cycles.  I like them, and I do feel like I am relaxing.  But, I am not sure if I am doing a great job of the "mind-body connection" part of it.  Also, I keep falling asleep so I don't hear the whole thing sometimes.  But, I am not letting myself worry about not doing a good job of relaxing.  :)

Well, until next time, that is all I have to say.  I will post sooner next time!