Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Is It Over?

I know that this could be a good sign or a bad sign, but it feels like a bad sign.  I have been having menstrual-like cramps off and on for a week now, but they have been pretty much constant yesterday and today.  Today, I have had some spotting - like pink blood.  Also, and I know this is gross and TMI, but it always smells different "down there" when I am about to start my period.  It smells like that now.  Of course, it would probably smell like that if I have blood running out of my vagina no matter what it's for.  Yuck.

I told my husband that I didn't even see the point in testing tomorrow.  He wants to test.  He wants to know if we got pregnant or not.  He wants to make sure there is nothing we can do if we are pregnant and there is a problem.  I know that is the right thing to do.  I feel like my good attitude has been officially used up between the 2WW and work the last few weeks. 

I have tried very hard to stay calm and not get stressed at work but it is really hard.  I have also tried to leave more on time, but it's almost impossible with as much work as I have.  But, apparently what I am doing should be so much more easier than I am making it because both my boss and another coworker have said "that should be easy" or "that should be something you can put together pretty quickly".  Yes, I suppose if you are putting a budget together based on an average of previous periods and not bothering to get input from the managers as to whether or not they have any additional costs or cost savings, yes, it would be easy.  My boss, who is pretty much a genius, has said that to me about more than one topic in the last couple of weeks.  Yes, if I was a genius, I might agree.  And, I might make more money.  Or, I might work somewhere else. I have expressed my unhappiness with him at these assumptions.  Statements like that do nothing for my morale or self esteem.  It makes me want to quit.  I sometimes feel like I am working to pay for various types of treatment stemming from infertility and fertility treatments.

I went online yesterday and started looking for a new therapist.  I really need someone that will listen to me and not interject their opinion.  I don't know, maybe that is what therapy is supposed to be.  But, when I have made my beliefs and feelings clear on the subject, I do not feel it is appropriate for a medical professional who is there to help me with anxiety and infertility to try to convince me that I am wrong.  Of course, he would never do that...according to him.  But, I am tired of hearing the same stories about the same people over and over and how they think differently.  I do not share those beliefs and/or opinions and/or I think they are wrong.  Obviously if you are not a Christian and your beliefs are not founded in Biblical understanding, but in worldly understanding, you will not have the same perspective.  I am aware that my way of thinking about a lot of things is probably "abnormal" and "ultra conservative" and that is okay with me.  And, it's not all about religious beliefs.  It's sometime just stuff about personal preference.

Anyway, in summary - I think I'm about to start my period,  I am testing tomorrow anyway, I am losing touch with my good attitude, I am tired of working 10-12 hour days and driving 45 min to an hour (or more) each way just to feel unappreciated by my boss, and I need a new therapist for all the reasons above.  Shorter summary:  I am a mess.  I'll let y'all know what happens tomorrow.


  1. Sorry you are feeling so yucky. I know it is hard to be hopeful when you have been made so aware of your body over months of ttc, but I hope you will have a fabulous surprise tomorrow x

  2. I am sorry, I hope you are wrong about your period. IF is such torture, try to hang in there. If you feel you need to finding a new therapist can be a helpful tool. Good luck on both fronts.

  3. I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I hope it gets better.