Is It Over?

I know that this could be a good sign or a bad sign, but it feels like a bad sign.  I have been having menstrual-like cramps off and on for a week now, but they have been pretty much constant yesterday and today.  Today, I have had some spotting - like pink blood.  Also, and I know this is gross and TMI, but it always smells different "down there" when I am about to start my period.  It smells like that now.  Of course, it would probably smell like that if I have blood running out of my vagina no matter what it's for.  Yuck.

I told my husband that I didn't even see the point in testing tomorrow.  He wants to test.  He wants to know if we got pregnant or not.  He wants to make sure there is nothing we can do if we are pregnant and there is a problem.  I know that is the right thing to do.  I feel like my good attitude has been officially used up between the 2WW and work the last few weeks. 

I have tried very hard to stay calm and not get stressed at work but it is really hard.  I have also tried to leave more on time, but it's almost impossible with as much work as I have.  But, apparently what I am doing should be so much more easier than I am making it because both my boss and another coworker have said "that should be easy" or "that should be something you can put together pretty quickly".  Yes, I suppose if you are putting a budget together based on an average of previous periods and not bothering to get input from the managers as to whether or not they have any additional costs or cost savings, yes, it would be easy.  My boss, who is pretty much a genius, has said that to me about more than one topic in the last couple of weeks.  Yes, if I was a genius, I might agree.  And, I might make more money.  Or, I might work somewhere else. I have expressed my unhappiness with him at these assumptions.  Statements like that do nothing for my morale or self esteem.  It makes me want to quit.  I sometimes feel like I am working to pay for various types of treatment stemming from infertility and fertility treatments.

I went online yesterday and started looking for a new therapist.  I really need someone that will listen to me and not interject their opinion.  I don't know, maybe that is what therapy is supposed to be.  But, when I have made my beliefs and feelings clear on the subject, I do not feel it is appropriate for a medical professional who is there to help me with anxiety and infertility to try to convince me that I am wrong.  Of course, he would never do that...according to him.  But, I am tired of hearing the same stories about the same people over and over and how they think differently.  I do not share those beliefs and/or opinions and/or I think they are wrong.  Obviously if you are not a Christian and your beliefs are not founded in Biblical understanding, but in worldly understanding, you will not have the same perspective.  I am aware that my way of thinking about a lot of things is probably "abnormal" and "ultra conservative" and that is okay with me.  And, it's not all about religious beliefs.  It's sometime just stuff about personal preference.

Anyway, in summary - I think I'm about to start my period,  I am testing tomorrow anyway, I am losing touch with my good attitude, I am tired of working 10-12 hour days and driving 45 min to an hour (or more) each way just to feel unappreciated by my boss, and I need a new therapist for all the reasons above.  Shorter summary:  I am a mess.  I'll let y'all know what happens tomorrow.

I Can't Believe It's Already ICLW Again!

I got to work today and realized it was ICLW and I didn't even realize it yesterday!  Ah!  I did read some blogs and comment yesterday, but not with as much purpose as I usually do (if that makes any sense). 

Well, I am in my 2WW right now on our first cycle after the miscarriage.  If this isn't our month, we'll try a couple of IUIs.  I've eaten pineapple the last couple of days because I've heard it's good for implantation.  I've also been taking baby aspirin to keep blood flow going down there.  I also felt like I might be slightly constipated (I know, TMI, sorry) so I have been taking Colace and Peri-Colace.  My chiropractor gave me some enzymes that should have helped with that.  I think it did at first, but hasn't been working as well as I'd like. 

I am going out of town to Dallas, TX for continuing education starting on Wednesday afternoon.  I haven't really been dwelling on it too much, but I am definitely going to start testing pretty early.  I got a positive OPK on day 19.  My cervix felt high, soft, open, and had EWCM on day 20.  My cycles are usually about 32 days.  So, I think I'll start testing on day 28 so that I can get to the RE ASAP if I get a positive to check on all my levels.

Does anyone else have any 2WW foods or activities they usually follow?

Tomorrow!

I cannot believe I have made it this whole time without POAS.  My IVF buddy, the Baby Baker, did this  morning and she got a positive!  Yay!  Go over and congratulate her!

I am really praying for peace and to not be anxious.  I really want a positive test.  I just don't know how to feel or how to pray or how to think or how to not be anxious!  I know that was a grammatically incorrect sentence - so sorry.

We've almost finished putting up our Christmas decorations.  My husband got a new version of Rock Band this weekend for his birthday and he is currently playing that.  Maybe after dinner we can either play together or watch a movie. 

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow either way.  I know I'll obvious be happy for a positive, but will I laugh, cry, run around the house jumping for joy?  I just don't know.  Anything is possible.  What will I do if it's negative?  Will I just take it and be like, "oh well"?  Will I be able to make it through the conversation with the nurse before I start crying?  Will I be able to call my husband with the news?  I am just so glad I took a vacation day tomorrow.  I know I wouldn't get anything done at work. 

I know that God has a plan for me.  I just do not know what that is.  It may be for me to be pregnant right now.  It may be for me to be pregnant in three years from now.  It may be for us to adopt, but I certainly don't feel that right now.  His plan may be for us to live child free.  Whatever the Lord wants for us, we will still have joy in being one of His elect. 

Thanks for reading my spastic post.  Until tomorrow...

Things Are Looking Down

So, I start spotting today.  I went for acupuncture and the acunpunturist told me to come home and take a HPT and to take one again in the morning if it was negative.  He said if it was positive to try to come see him again tomorrow.  Well, it was negative.  I'll try again tomorrow morning b/c I know that the HPT is more likely to get an early positive with the first morning urine.  Things are not looking great.  I am feeling really down about this.  What to do?

2 WW Almost Over

Well, I have managed to stay sane the past 9 days by being so busy I could barely spend time to think about it.  My job duties are changing and I am basically doing the work of 2 people right now until they figure out who to give the stuff I am giving up away.  Blah! 

Anyway, the RE told me to do a HPT 10-12 days after the IUI.  Tomorrow is day 10, so I am going to wait until Tuesday morning.  I have been reading to see if I have any "symptoms," but I also know that the same symptoms can be other things as well, like digestive issues or PMS.  I have been charting my temperature and it is still higher than it was before ovulation.  But, so was last month's.  I am having some cramping, but sometimes I have menstrual cramps this early in my cycle also.  I have some constipation, but sometimes that happens randomly too.  I have been somewhat moody...but we all know that that can happen sometimes too.  So, the point of my rambling is that I am still hopeful but I am trying to not completely convince myself I'm pregnant because I don't want to be so disappointed. 

That's all the update I have for now.