Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Christmas and New Years

I want to start this post off by saying thanks to everyone for the comments.  We have picked a therapist and I am planning to make an appointment with him after the beginning of the year.  I still have not heard back from my RE about the antiovarian antibodies test they did.  So, I am going to have to give them a call. 

I went for an appointment with my acupuncturist today and he didn't charge me!  My back has been hurting so he focused on that and gave me an adjustment because he has training in chiropractic treatment as well.  He gave me a massage and it felt so good...he is pretty aggressive, but sometimes that is what it takes!

We had a really nice Christmas!  We went to our Christmas Eve service at our church.  My in-laws came and we went to IHOP afterwards.  Then, we went to my husband's extended family gathering, which is at his cousins' house that live pretty close to us, on Christmas day.  It's always good to see everyone that comes to that.  The day after Christmas, we went to my husband's sister's house with his parents and did our gift exchange.  We both got some good gifts.

Yesterday, I went shopping with two of my girlfriends.  It was a lot of fun.  We all got some very good deals.  I am always interested in the semi-annual sales at Bath & Body Works and Yankee Candle.  But, the mall we went to has a whole store devoted to BBW candles, so I didn't even go to Yankee.  I was so proud of myself for avoiding that one store.  The Loft had 50% off your entire purchase!  I could have gotten carried away, but even at 50% off, that stuff is still kind of expensive.  I got two sweaters, a pair of slacks, and a pair of tights for $100.  I got my hubby a super cute sweater at Banana Republic.  I cannot pass that store without checking out the men's clearance rack.  Old Navy jeans were $15/pair!  Well, I know you don't want all the details of my shopping trip, but obviously I am still riding on the post-shopping high!

So, what is everyone doing for New Years?  We are going to some friends' house with our small group from church.  We are going to eat lots of good food, play fun games, and hang out.  I am making my famous non-alcoholic margaritas (it's lime-aid, sprite, and ice blended together).  Then, on New Year's Day, we are celebrating Christmas with my dad and his wife and my sister and her husband. 

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!  Be safe and warm!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Here's the Story

I have been pretty quiet lately.  I have been trying to leave comments.

Here is what happened when we went into the RE for our follow up:

The RE told us that my ovaries and hormones were slow to respond to the drugs.  Yes, they did use an aggressive protocol since they had done an IUI with us with injectables already.  Once the eggs were fertilized, the embryos were slow to grow.  They don't know why.  He thinks that there is a mind-body connection and I am too stressed out.  I obviously do not trust his team and I was fighting them the whole way.  Yes, it is  okay to ask questions.  (This is what I asked because I couldn't tell why he thought I was "fighting" them when I did everything they said, I've done everything everyone has said for crying out loud).  No one on my team wants to work with you any more (Okay, so he said there were a couple of people who didn't like me, but still).   I am not willing to go forward with a second cycle until you go see a therapist.  I could tell from the first day you walked into my office that you had issues, just the look on your face reflects all kinds of anger and hostility {but I took your $15K anyway and put you through the treatments even though I thought it wouldn't work}.  Maybe you should go somewhere else and get a second opinion, {even though I already took your money and you will have to save up for another year to pay for treatment elsewhere}. 

The stuff in brackets and parenthesis is mine.  I cannot argue that I have a lot of stress and that I do not always deal with it the best.  However, I feel like I hide it well.  I can feel extremely angry at a coworker and have an entire conversation with them. Then, if I ask them later if I was rude, they say no.  Our controller laughs at me if I give someone a hard time jokingly because "she's the nicest person in the department."  I don't necessarily agree with her, but I also don't think I am a horrible person to be around. 

So, we are looking at therapists.  It is true that I don't have much trust for doctors.  However, I respect them.  I do ask a lot of questions. My care is my responsibility and I want to make sure they aren't confusing me with the last 5 people they've seen going through whatever it is I am going through.  I like to make sure they've considered everything - especially if they tell me something that is different from what they've told me before.

I am extremely nervous (big surprise) about going to a therapist.  Have any of you ever been?  We had to go for a 1 hour appointment before beginning IVF and it was a waste of time. All she did was get our infertility history. We didn't get into any feelings, stress, etc...

To be honest, I spend more time stressing about things than I should.  It would be a relief to learn how to not do that.  I am just unsure of what to expect and how much to expect. 

Will we go back to this RE?  I don't know.  My husband wants to because we've already signed up for the 2-cycle deal (basically 2 for the price of 1).  And, while they've offered to refund us anything we paid over, I doubt there will be much leftover since we're basically getting a free second cycle.  Maybe I could go to another doctor/nurse team in the same practice, but I am sure that the RE would have talked about me.  So, I wouldn't have a clean slate.

So, that's where we are.  My husband has been pretty quiet.  I asked him point blank if the thought before now that I needed therapy and he said that he never thought I was that bad but at times I do have a hard time dealing with stress, especially regarding anything medical.  He has been awesome in taking the responsibility to seek out a therapist on my insurance closer to where we work/live than down town.  Because driving out that way would be way stressful.

I have also dropped the gluten free diet, which I was always unsure of whether or not it was helping me.  I feel no difference.  I am still planning to do the dairy free until I can get to an allergist and get their opinion.  I ate cheese pizza on Saturday though and didn't get sick at all.  No bloating, no upset stomach, nothing.  My husband thought the gluten free and dairy free was more stressful than it was worth, and too expensive, if we can't tell a difference.

Sorry for the length.  I just needed to get it out there.  Hopefully my story will help someone else.  For now, we aren't doing anything.  We're just enjoying having unplanned sex!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Still Here

I am still here.  I have been avoiding the blog-land lately.  I have a story to tell from our follow up with the RE but I am not ready to tell it yet.  I don't know how.  But, until then, I hope that everyone stays safe and warm.  We have had some snow today and when I woke up this morning the weather man said we'd already had our high.  I looked at our indoor-outdoor thermometer and it said 44 degrees F.  Have I mentioned that I live in GA?!  Nothing is sticking yet, but I hate the idea of it.  I love snow and it also scares me.  I feel that excited feeling I always felt when I was a kid and I love the beauty of it.  But, now that I am all grown up, I also realize the danger or driving to work at 6 in the morning with all the other GA drivers who don't know how to drive in the snow.  It's 27 degrees F right now. Brrrr...

But, I digress.  I hope that everyone enjoys the weather and stays safe.  :)

Monday, December 6, 2010


I good friend of  mine from college lost a baby this week. She had already had all her showers.  I am not sure exactly how far along she was, but pretty far.  I had been feeling the usual feelings of happiness for her and sadness that we weren't there.  This is what she posted on FB:

"Baby "B" went to meet Jesus this week. We don't understand why, but we will always cherish her as our beautiful baby girl. She entered the world weighing 5lb. 10 oz. and measuring twenty-one and a quarter inches. She is at peace and is dancing at the feet of Jesus."
This girl has always been an admirable person.  She is so strong in her faith.  I am praying that I can have this faith.  Please pray for my friends at this time.  Seeing this sent my mind reeling and my heart just broke.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Thank you

Thank you all for the touching comments.  It really does mean a lot for so many of you to reach out and let me know you care.  I have been back at work since Tuesday and just trying to "act normal."  I am also dealing with all kinds of confusing emotions as well.  I am extremely nervous about my RE follow-up, which is next Wednesday right before lunch.  It's completely illogical, I know.  I am a really bad worrier.  It's very sinful to do that, but I get it honest.  I come from a long line of women who over-worried, were paranoid, and probably bi-polar.  I feel like I am working on it because I can recognize that I am a little crazy so I have won half the battle in that, right?  But, really, I am mostly sane, most of the time.  :)

I am so happy to see all the BFPs that have happened this month.  I truly am.  I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to continue to remain joyful for those who get pregnant.  I am ashamed that my joy is often marred by my own sadness that I am not joining the ranks of "the pregnant ladies."  It's so selfish to feel that way, I know.  So, I try to squash it.  But, it's still there.  Seething below the surface. 

I loved this post by Mel that she posted today.  I agree that I would rather choose fire than ice.  But, there have been a few showers I have skipped.  Or, usually I make other plans so I have an excuse not to go. 
I don't skip church though.  My church is family-integrated and there are only two married couples besides my husband and I that don't have kids yet.  One family has one child.  Two have two.  The rest - they range from 3 (the young couples) to 8.  One family has just announced they are expecting their 9th.  We are technically non-denominational, but most of us came from other Baptist churches and we support the SBC cooperative program (which is awesome, if you ever want to know where to give). (Just to give you some background, in case you were wondering).

Anyway, I may be a spotty blogger in the next week, but please don't think I've disappeared.  Or, that I am not really truly happy for those that are getting their miracles.  You are in my prayers as I recognize that now you have a new set of worries.