Thank you all for the touching comments. It really does mean a lot for so many of you to reach out and let me know you care. I have been back at work since Tuesday and just trying to "act normal." I am also dealing with all kinds of confusing emotions as well. I am extremely nervous about my RE follow-up, which is next Wednesday right before lunch. It's completely illogical, I know. I am a really bad worrier. It's very sinful to do that, but I get it honest. I come from a long line of women who over-worried, were paranoid, and probably bi-polar. I feel like I am working on it because I can recognize that I am a little crazy so I have won half the battle in that, right? But, really, I am mostly sane, most of the time. :)
I am so happy to see all the BFPs that have happened this month. I truly am. I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to continue to remain joyful for those who get pregnant. I am ashamed that my joy is often marred by my own sadness that I am not joining the ranks of "the pregnant ladies." It's so selfish to feel that way, I know. So, I try to squash it. But, it's still there. Seething below the surface.
I loved this post by Mel that she posted today. I agree that I would rather choose fire than ice. But, there have been a few showers I have skipped. Or, usually I make other plans so I have an excuse not to go.
I don't skip church though. My church is family-integrated and there are only two married couples besides my husband and I that don't have kids yet. One family has one child. Two have two. The rest - they range from 3 (the young couples) to 8. One family has just announced they are expecting their 9th. We are technically non-denominational, but most of us came from other Baptist churches and we support the SBC cooperative program (which is awesome, if you ever want to know where to give). (Just to give you some background, in case you were wondering).
Anyway, I may be a spotty blogger in the next week, but please don't think I've disappeared. Or, that I am not really truly happy for those that are getting their miracles. You are in my prayers as I recognize that now you have a new set of worries.
I don't know that it is selfish to feel sad when others get what you really want. It's normal. I was usually okay when bloggers I know got pregnant, but when someone "normal" got pregnant, I seethed. In fact, I still do, years later. It's totally illogical.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can be happy for others and sad for yourself at the same time. One emotion doesn't need to take away from the other.
I am such a worrier too. I know what you mean. If there is anything to worry about I will find it. I'm sorry your feeling sad, I know exactly how that feels. I am hoping it is your turn soon.
ReplyDeletedon't worry about acting "normal", girl. you've been through a lot. give yourself the space to deal with all of this. you deserve it. and it's okay to worry. don't beat yourself up!
ReplyDeletei really hope you are joining the ranks of the pregnant ladies very soon. as a matter of fact, i KNOW you will be joining soon! it's gonna happen. and you've learned something from this cycle and knowledge is power for your next cycle.
i'll be thinking of you! hugs.
Please listen to "walking The unknown" by Post 4 and be comforted. Love
ReplyDeleteYou are so honest and real-. My heart goes out to you- Good luck with your meeting on Wednesday- hopefully there will be some more answers and helpful information.
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