Here's the Story

I have been pretty quiet lately.  I have been trying to leave comments.

Here is what happened when we went into the RE for our follow up:

The RE told us that my ovaries and hormones were slow to respond to the drugs.  Yes, they did use an aggressive protocol since they had done an IUI with us with injectables already.  Once the eggs were fertilized, the embryos were slow to grow.  They don't know why.  He thinks that there is a mind-body connection and I am too stressed out.  I obviously do not trust his team and I was fighting them the whole way.  Yes, it is  okay to ask questions.  (This is what I asked because I couldn't tell why he thought I was "fighting" them when I did everything they said, I've done everything everyone has said for crying out loud).  No one on my team wants to work with you any more (Okay, so he said there were a couple of people who didn't like me, but still).   I am not willing to go forward with a second cycle until you go see a therapist.  I could tell from the first day you walked into my office that you had issues, just the look on your face reflects all kinds of anger and hostility {but I took your $15K anyway and put you through the treatments even though I thought it wouldn't work}.  Maybe you should go somewhere else and get a second opinion, {even though I already took your money and you will have to save up for another year to pay for treatment elsewhere}. 

The stuff in brackets and parenthesis is mine.  I cannot argue that I have a lot of stress and that I do not always deal with it the best.  However, I feel like I hide it well.  I can feel extremely angry at a coworker and have an entire conversation with them. Then, if I ask them later if I was rude, they say no.  Our controller laughs at me if I give someone a hard time jokingly because "she's the nicest person in the department."  I don't necessarily agree with her, but I also don't think I am a horrible person to be around. 

So, we are looking at therapists.  It is true that I don't have much trust for doctors.  However, I respect them.  I do ask a lot of questions. My care is my responsibility and I want to make sure they aren't confusing me with the last 5 people they've seen going through whatever it is I am going through.  I like to make sure they've considered everything - especially if they tell me something that is different from what they've told me before.

I am extremely nervous (big surprise) about going to a therapist.  Have any of you ever been?  We had to go for a 1 hour appointment before beginning IVF and it was a waste of time. All she did was get our infertility history. We didn't get into any feelings, stress, etc...

To be honest, I spend more time stressing about things than I should.  It would be a relief to learn how to not do that.  I am just unsure of what to expect and how much to expect. 

Will we go back to this RE?  I don't know.  My husband wants to because we've already signed up for the 2-cycle deal (basically 2 for the price of 1).  And, while they've offered to refund us anything we paid over, I doubt there will be much leftover since we're basically getting a free second cycle.  Maybe I could go to another doctor/nurse team in the same practice, but I am sure that the RE would have talked about me.  So, I wouldn't have a clean slate.

So, that's where we are.  My husband has been pretty quiet.  I asked him point blank if the thought before now that I needed therapy and he said that he never thought I was that bad but at times I do have a hard time dealing with stress, especially regarding anything medical.  He has been awesome in taking the responsibility to seek out a therapist on my insurance closer to where we work/live than down town.  Because driving out that way would be way stressful.

I have also dropped the gluten free diet, which I was always unsure of whether or not it was helping me.  I feel no difference.  I am still planning to do the dairy free until I can get to an allergist and get their opinion.  I ate cheese pizza on Saturday though and didn't get sick at all.  No bloating, no upset stomach, nothing.  My husband thought the gluten free and dairy free was more stressful than it was worth, and too expensive, if we can't tell a difference.

Sorry for the length.  I just needed to get it out there.  Hopefully my story will help someone else.  For now, we aren't doing anything.  We're just enjoying having unplanned sex!