Well, last Saturday, I did a HPT and it was negative. Then, AF showed up in full force on Monday. I had been having cramps for a few days already, but I was hoping that the cramps meant something else. I have been very upset. This is an understatement, to say the least. I have been trying to hard to have a good outlook and be positive and happy where I am in life. But, if I was fine with where we are, why would I be spending all this money to change that? I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Tuesday evening.
I still don't know much about my job. We have been throwing around the idea of me just not working after my job ends where I am now. Or, finding a job part time or way below my capabilities or both. It seems that I can't find a full time job doing what I do without being overworked. I know that they will let you work as much as you let them work you, but it's a vicious circle. I get a job working a 40-hour week and then they see that I will work hard and put me somewhere doing more or pile more work on me. Then, I see everyone around me working all the hours to get done with the work that we have as a team and I feel guilty packing up to leave everyday at 4:30. So, if I am only working the 40 hours, I feel guilty, which causes me stress and if I work the overtime I feel overworked and unappreciated. I actually was talking to our Controller the other day and she asked if I was working on the weekend, which I rarely do. I told her I probably would work this particular weekend. She said that she didn't need to work this weekend and she was always glad when she got to not work on the weekend. Like we should always expect to work long hours and the weekends and think it's a real treat when we don't. Whatever. I was surprised by that comment because it does not seem like that has always been her mindset. But, it irritated me.
I just don't know. On one hand, I would probably be happier if I was home keeping our home the way I want it to be, and running the errands we need run, etc... But, on the other hand, it is nice having 2 incomes and having security and putting money away in 401(k) and savings. I make a good deal more than my DH, and he is constantly trying to study for various exams to get more certifications in his field. In his field, certifications speak volumes. But, since I am always working so late, he does most of the house stuff during the week instead of studying. So, it always ends up that me working so hard to make so much money is holding him back from getting ahead and making more money. Right now, there's no way he could change jobs even with more experience and make more money because of the economy. But, hopefully in the near future, there will be opportunities. Also, I think it would be very humbling for me to stay home. I mean, it's not like I am dutifully staying home with our kids. Because, oh yeah, we can't have those. Plus, we really couldn't afford all these infertility treatments if I stayed home either. But, what if we don't need them anymore if I am home and not under all the stress of a job? And, if we decided that we did need to continue the treatments, I could always get a part time job somewhere close by.
I just don't know. It's on the table. All I know is that I am down. I am tired of all of this. I just want to be joyful and content in the situation in which God has placed us. And, I don't feel that way. I feel bitter. I hate it. Until next time...