Walking An Unknown Path

IUI - Check & High Hopes for 2012

2011-12-31T10:29:00.001-05:00

Well, the IUI is done. My doctor was taking a day off, so I met a new doctor in the practice who did my IUI. The speculum application was not fun. It pinched me then hurt so bad when she put it back in that she declared I needed a smaller one. It was much better. Why can't they always use that smaller speculum? I think I will ask about that when I go for my ob/gyn visit in Feb.

I am doing my Circle + Bloom every day (twice yesterday, after the IUI) and praying that this is it. If this isn't it, we are faced with IVF again, which none of us wants, including my doctor. But, we aren't going to have to even think about it because this is going to work.

2012 is going to be my year for a take-home baby. I have three months to make that statement come true. Hopefully, I won't have to do anything else to make it happen. I am starting Prometrium tonight, BTW.

We are going out to an early dinner with friends from church tonight. None of us wants to be tired tomorrow at church. So, we aren't doing our usual get-together and game night. I really don't need to over-tire myself anyway.

I hope you all have a safe and happy evening. May 2012 bring you many blessings and allow you many opportunities to glorify God.

Another IUI In The Works

2011-12-27T17:13:00.000-05:00

Hello all,

Well, we have another IUI in the works. After I took a month off, I was in the office, ready to start another IUI last month and when we started counting days and realized that the day we would most likely need to do the IUI would be the same day we were having my family over and then from there going to the house of our head deacon at church for a Christmas party for the elders and deacons. I discussed it with the NP and my nurse and we all agreed that I'd be too stressed out so we put it off until this month.

Day 1 was last Saturday, Dec. 17. Today is day 11. I took 10 mcg of on day 4 and 5 for 3 days after that. From Dec 22-26, I took 75 units of Menopur (which burned like crazy this month). I went back to the doctor today. I have one substantial follicle on the right side which is 25mm. I saw a few tiny ones on the left side, but the Dr didn't bother measuring them. My lining is 7.5mm. They did bw to check my estrogen and gave me a low-dose HCG shot and gave me a couple to take home.

I heard from my nurse and she said that my estrogen was 111, which she thought was good. The last IUI, it was 115 on day 10, but the follicles were smaller (and there were two, I think). I am going to do another shot of low does HCG tomorrow morning and we will trigger with Ovidrel tomorrow night. We'll do the IUI on Friday morning.

I read online that the follicle is what is creating the estrogen and that they want your estrogen to be 150-200 per follicle. Last time I had more than one and it was 115, this time I have one and it is 111. But, there are those other small ones. I just don't know how to think about that. I am doing my Circle + Bloom every day. I am trying to stay positive and relaxed. Of course, it is Christmas time so I am eating lots of junk food, so that might be my undoing. I have been off work since last Thursday, so I am as relaxed as I can get without going on vacation to the beach again. I believe this will work. I have to. I also have another funny tidbit. As I was driving to the doctor's office this morning, I realized that the tag number on the car in front of me as I was about to get off the interstate had the first three letters as "BFP". It made me smile.

So, my question is - how fast does your estrogen go up every day? I am praying that my one little follicle is mature.

Update

2011-11-18T20:14:00.000-05:00

Hi Y'all!

It seems like I am not a very good blogger. Things have been so busy between work, church, and preparing for our Bible study, that I haven't had much time to blog. And, I have been pretty down lately, so I haven't had the inclination to blog.

So, we have taken this month off. I have been taking the chewable "stress and adrenal" pills from my chiropractor. I didn't bother doing the little pee sticks for ovulation this month. I have been having cramps since Wednesday. I had some spotting on the night before, though. My DH thought it might be implantation bleeding because it was so early in the month and without all the drugs, I usually have a 33 day cycle. Tuesday was day 22 of my cycle. I took a HPT on Wednesday morning and it was negative. Of course, if I am still on track for a 33-day cycle, then it would be too early for accurate results, I guess. I have had cramping off and on and light to medium spotting ever since. I felt sure I'd get the visit from AF every day, but haven't. We are planning to do an IUI this cycle, if we are able to with our clinic's schedule. They close for a week every December for a deep cleaning in the lab. I really don't want AF to come so early, though, because we are going to Charleston with my sister and BIL the weekend of Thanksgiving and I don't know how we'd explain the need to bring a cooler, syringes, and injectable meds that have to be refrigerated with us.

I figure if we've gone this long w/o spilling the beans, I really would like to be pregnant or have made the decision that we're just not having kids before telling them. I so want them to all be surprised when we make our announcement!

Work is really getting crazy with my company going through an acquisition as the acquiree. People in my area are dropping like flies. We've finally started talking about our Christmas shopping. Usually I am almost done by now. We went looking for a new artificial tree a couple of weeks ago, then decided we'd look a few more places and have never been back to the store to look. All the good ones will be bought if we keep dragging our feet. Have you started/finished your shopping or thought about decorations yet?

Another Fail

2011-10-29T13:39:00.000-04:00

Well, last Saturday, I did a HPT and it was negative. Then, AF showed up in full force on Monday. I had been having cramps for a few days already, but I was hoping that the cramps meant something else. I have been very upset. This is an understatement, to say the least. I have been trying to hard to have a good outlook and be positive and happy where I am in life. But, if I was fine with where we are, why would I be spending all this money to change that? I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Tuesday evening.

I still don't know much about my job. We have been throwing around the idea of me just not working after my job ends where I am now. Or, finding a job part time or way below my capabilities or both. It seems that I can't find a full time job doing what I do without being overworked. I know that they will let you work as much as you let them work you, but it's a vicious circle. I get a job working a 40-hour week and then they see that I will work hard and put me somewhere doing more or pile more work on me. Then, I see everyone around me working all the hours to get done with the work that we have as a team and I feel guilty packing up to leave everyday at 4:30. So, if I am only working the 40 hours, I feel guilty, which causes me stress and if I work the overtime I feel overworked and unappreciated. I actually was talking to our Controller the other day and she asked if I was working on the weekend, which I rarely do. I told her I probably would work this particular weekend. She said that she didn't need to work this weekend and she was always glad when she got to not work on the weekend. Like we should always expect to work long hours and the weekends and think it's a real treat when we don't. Whatever. I was surprised by that comment because it does not seem like that has always been her mindset. But, it irritated me.

I just don't know. On one hand, I would probably be happier if I was home keeping our home the way I want it to be, and running the errands we need run, etc... But, on the other hand, it is nice having 2 incomes and having security and putting money away in 401(k) and savings. I make a good deal more than my DH, and he is constantly trying to study for various exams to get more certifications in his field. In his field, certifications speak volumes. But, since I am always working so late, he does most of the house stuff during the week instead of studying. So, it always ends up that me working so hard to make so much money is holding him back from getting ahead and making more money. Right now, there's no way he could change jobs even with more experience and make more money because of the economy. But, hopefully in the near future, there will be opportunities. Also, I think it would be very humbling for me to stay home. I mean, it's not like I am dutifully staying home with our kids. Because, oh yeah, we can't have those. Plus, we really couldn't afford all these infertility treatments if I stayed home either. But, what if we don't need them anymore if I am home and not under all the stress of a job? And, if we decided that we did need to continue the treatments, I could always get a part time job somewhere close by.

I just don't know. It's on the table. All I know is that I am down. I am tired of all of this. I just want to be joyful and content in the situation in which God has placed us. And, I don't feel that way. I feel bitter. I hate it. Until next time...

Quick Update

2011-10-12T21:24:00.001-04:00

Hi All.

I wanted to do a quick post before heading to do Circle + Bloom then to bed.

The IUI was Monday and it went well. We had 15.7million sperm. So, that's good. We had two follicles per our monitoring appointment last Friday, one was a 15 and one a 19, both on the right side.

I stayed home on Monday and just rested. It was weird because the IUI wasn't that painful, but I had pain afterwards. More like discomfort. It was kind of uncomfortable to sit up straight, like in my "area". Strange. Then, I did have some cramping on Monday and even yesterday. But, today was pretty much back to normal except I seem to have to pee a lot more. I had some kind of cramping on the left side, but that could be because my stomach has not been behaving lately.

So, that is what there is to report so far.

IUI Tomorrow (again)

2011-10-09T22:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is our IUI. We did 5 days of 5 mg of Letrozole (3-7) and 4 days of 50 units of Follistim (6-9). Then, we triggered last night at 8 with Ovidrel. Please pray with us that this works and that I can stay unstressed. I feel like everything is working against me to feel that way with how my job is going (or might be going away). My company is going to be purchased by a bigger company that is headquartered in Nebraska. Yeah, probably not much space for Accounting in Atlanta. But, I am taking the day off tomorrow to sew and work on putting together a new coupon book that is more organized and watch tv or movies. I don't care that it's quarter-end. I need time for me.

Good night all! Have a good week!

Failed

2011-09-28T22:16:00.000-04:00

I am not pregnant. Again.

Is It Over?

2011-09-27T22:19:00.000-04:00

I know that this could be a good sign or a bad sign, but it feels like a bad sign. I have been having menstrual-like cramps off and on for a week now, but they have been pretty much constant yesterday and today. Today, I have had some spotting - like pink blood. Also, and I know this is gross and TMI, but it always smells different "down there" when I am about to start my period. It smells like that now. Of course, it would probably smell like that if I have blood running out of my vagina no matter what it's for. Yuck.

I told my husband that I didn't even see the point in testing tomorrow. He wants to test. He wants to know if we got pregnant or not. He wants to make sure there is nothing we can do if we are pregnant and there is a problem. I know that is the right thing to do. I feel like my good attitude has been officially used up between the 2WW and work the last few weeks.

I have tried very hard to stay calm and not get stressed at work but it is really hard. I have also tried to leave more on time, but it's almost impossible with as much work as I have. But, apparently what I am doing should be so much more easier than I am making it because both my boss and another coworker have said "that should be easy" or "that should be something you can put together pretty quickly". Yes, I suppose if you are putting a budget together based on an average of previous periods and not bothering to get input from the managers as to whether or not they have any additional costs or cost savings, yes, it would be easy. My boss, who is pretty much a genius, has said that to me about more than one topic in the last couple of weeks. Yes, if I was a genius, I might agree. And, I might make more money. Or, I might work somewhere else. I have expressed my unhappiness with him at these assumptions. Statements like that do nothing for my morale or self esteem. It makes me want to quit. I sometimes feel like I am working to pay for various types of treatment stemming from infertility and fertility treatments.

I went online yesterday and started looking for a new therapist. I really need someone that will listen to me and not interject their opinion. I don't know, maybe that is what therapy is supposed to be. But, when I have made my beliefs and feelings clear on the subject, I do not feel it is appropriate for a medical professional who is there to help me with anxiety and infertility to try to convince me that I am wrong. Of course, he would never do that...according to him. But, I am tired of hearing the same stories about the same people over and over and how they think differently. I do not share those beliefs and/or opinions and/or I think they are wrong. Obviously if you are not a Christian and your beliefs are not founded in Biblical understanding, but in worldly understanding, you will not have the same perspective. I am aware that my way of thinking about a lot of things is probably "abnormal" and "ultra conservative" and that is okay with me. And, it's not all about religious beliefs. It's sometime just stuff about personal preference.

Anyway, in summary - I think I'm about to start my period, I am testing tomorrow anyway, I am losing touch with my good attitude, I am tired of working 10-12 hour days and driving 45 min to an hour (or more) each way just to feel unappreciated by my boss, and I need a new therapist for all the reasons above. Shorter summary: I am a mess. I'll let y'all know what happens tomorrow.

Just Wait 'til Wednesday...

2011-09-26T08:06:00.000-04:00

So, I am testing on Wednesday. That is starting to feel further away by the minute. I am just praying every day. What else can I do? I am praying to not be anxious also. It's tempting to be anxious. There, I said it.

I hope you all have a good week.

All Over But the Waiting!

2011-09-18T09:07:00.000-04:00

We went in on Wednesday for the IUI. We had to wait a lot longer than we usually do. I of course had just emptied my bladder before getting undressed, but if I had drank any more water than I had (like I usually do before getting blood drawn), I probably would have had to get dressed and go again. Well, DH did not go before we went in and he was about to wet his pants before it was all said and done. :)

Dr. P is really a gentle person, but the speculum seriously felt like it wasn't in right and that my vagina was going to squeeze it right now. I was having visions of it popping out and smacking him in the face. Then, he failed to warn me when he was going in with the catheter. It usually doesn't even hurt and I really didn't expect it to because I felt my cervix that morning and it felt nice and open. Well, it hurt. A.Lot. And, since I wasn't expecting it, it surprised me so much that I screamed out loud and I am fairly certain I tightened every muscle down there and possibly raised my rearend off the table a little bit. By the time I regained control of my mind (because seriously, if I had been expecting it, I would have stayed perfectly still no matter how much it hurt), I relaxed and apologized. I looked around and the Dr. and MA were both telling me I didn't need to apologize, the MA was reaching towards me, I guess to console me/hold me down, and the Dr. was then apologizing for not warning me. We were having a good conversation, about what, I cannot remember. Anyway. I am sure, for the record, the pain wasn't that bad. I think mostly it was that not only was I not expecting it to hurt, I wasn't forewarned that he was doing it. This was my 5th one and the very first one hurt that bad, but it was done by a regular gyn, not an RE and I was seriously uptight. I felt pretty relaxed except for my worries about the speculum popping out and smacking my RE in the face.

So, he instructed me to be pregnant in 12 days and to take a HPT then. He also said to go ahead and take 100mg of Endometrin starting Saturday night - every night at bedtime. So, I started that Saturday night. I am still following the Circle + Bloom and I do enjoy doing it. I am not sure I am doing the best job of emptying my mind, but I am doing my best. If all went as it should, maybe I'll feel some implantation cramping one day later this week.

My boobs, mainly my nipples, have been very sore since ovulation. The last time I felt this way was the last time I was doing treatments, so I think it's the hormones they give me. But, this time it feels a lot worse, so maybe that means the hormones are doing a better job?!

I hope everyone has a good week!

IUI Tomorrow Morning! and a little vent

2011-09-13T21:45:00.000-04:00

The appointment on Sunday morning went well. I have a follicle on each side - 17.66mm on the left and 17.98mm on the right. I'd rather have more than that, but that's better than we've had in the past. They gave me a shot of low dose HCG while I was there. They could not get blood. They stuck me 4 times in the left arm and couldn't get a good vein in the right so they didn't try (two people). It was not the normal phlebotomists, so that's probably why. We triggered Monday night (Ovidrel, thankfully). The IUI is tomorrow morning. DH's appointment is at 8am and mine is at 9:30. I am going to stay home. I may work some, but I will probably just stay home to do it to avoid any stress in the office.

I feel kind of like I am ovulating. More than I have in a while. Last month, I think I felt it, but this month is stronger. I hope sperm meets egg and they have a happy union for the next 9 months. DH is cutting up a pineapple for me right now! I've heard it helps implantation.

There is a girl that sits on the other side of the cubicle wall and she is an attention-seeker. She listens to her MP3 player all day and "whisper sings" loudly and then she eats lots of hard candy and makes these disgusting sucking sounds. I have asked her not to sing several times so far (she's only sat there for a month or two) and I am about to have to tell her I can't stand the sucking. I can't stand it. I want to throw up every time I hear it. I like this girl too. I just think she needs attention so she seeks it in annoying ways like laughing annoyingly loud every time someone IMs her and cussing at people who email her and after she gets off the phone. Bless her heart. I just had to get that off my chest.

Okay, off to listen to Circle + Bloom!

IUI Underway

2011-09-10T16:57:00.000-04:00

Hi All! It's been a while. Things have been busy. I have still been reading and commenting, just not doing my own posts.

I have had a crazy few weeks. While I was out of town for continuing education, just before my last post, my cousin was killed in a car accident. He was 25. I am not very close to that little branch of my family, but it was still a blow. It's hard to believe that someone who is the same generation as me, and much younger, can have died. His parents and sister are devastated. I am praying that they will be able to pull themselves together and carry on. I don't think any of them are saved, so I am praying that they will feel God in their lives and cling to Him. If you could pray too, I would be thankful. I didn't say anything in my last post because I wasn't sure what to say. But, if has affected me, even though he wasn't someone I saw every day. It's yet another reminder that we do not have the promise of tomorrow.

In other news, AF showed up on Sept 1. We are doing an IUI this month. Here is my protocol:

Day 3-7 Letrozole (2 per day)
Day 8 150 units Bravelle (FSH)
Day 11 Monitoring appointment with RE

Tomorrow is my monitoring appointment. I am not sure what to expect. The last IUI we have a very similar protocol, except I believe we used Menopur. When I went in for my first monitoring appointment last time, we did a small injection of LH and then still had to go in for another injection a few days later. I think it was the most expensive IUI in history since I had so many ultrasounds! But, this time, I have been pregnant recently, so hopefully my body is primed. I feel like I did when we were stimulating my ovaries for IVF, like they are doing something and kind of tired. I am excited to see what my body has been up to.

I have been listening to the Circle + Bloom for IUI/IVF cycles. I like them, and I do feel like I am relaxing. But, I am not sure if I am doing a great job of the "mind-body connection" part of it. Also, I keep falling asleep so I don't hear the whole thing sometimes. But, I am not letting myself worry about not doing a good job of relaxing. :)

Well, until next time, that is all I have to say. I will post sooner next time!

Next Steps

2011-08-31T21:39:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been taking HPTs and they have all been negative. Today is day CD33 and I have started spotting and having cramps. This morning's HPT was one of those Cle.ar Blu.e Ea.sy digital ones. Instead of just having the one little pink line like on the other brands, I get a blaring "not pregnant". I didn't really think that was very nice to see first thing in the morning. Ah well. I really didn't know what the chances were of us getting pregnant the first cycle after our miscarriage, but I was hopeful. I know that God will give us children when it is the perfect timing in His plan.

I got the results back from all the blood work done at my last appointment on Monday. My thyroid antibodies were higher than they'd like (but they are always crazy since I have Hashimoto's) so my RE doubled my Levothyroxine. My TSH was 4.3, which is on the higher side of normal according to some and way above normal according to the "new scale" some use. My RE said I was normal. Either way I am not worked up because guess how they would fix that - Levothyroxine. My AMH was 1.6. I need to look and see what it was the last time I had it taken about a year and a half ago. I think it was about the same. According to Dr. Google, that's normal. Everything else was normal and I didn't ask the particulars. The only other things they tested were the STDs they have to test annually while you are in treatment and Prolactin.

I just ordered Circle + Bloom. I will start listening to it tomorrow, because it's too late today. I am looking forward to seeing what this is all about. I will also call my RE's IUI nurse when I get the visit from AF in full force and we'll kick off my medicated IUI cycle.

Well, that's about all that's going on as far as IF. I need to do a general life update, but I am too tired. It's bedtime. Hope you all have a good remainder of your week!

I Can't Believe It's Already ICLW Again!

2011-08-22T21:56:00.000-04:00

I got to work today and realized it was ICLW and I didn't even realize it yesterday! Ah! I did read some blogs and comment yesterday, but not with as much purpose as I usually do (if that makes any sense).

Well, I am in my 2WW right now on our first cycle after the miscarriage. If this isn't our month, we'll try a couple of IUIs. I've eaten pineapple the last couple of days because I've heard it's good for implantation. I've also been taking baby aspirin to keep blood flow going down there. I also felt like I might be slightly constipated (I know, TMI, sorry) so I have been taking Colace and Peri-Colace. My chiropractor gave me some enzymes that should have helped with that. I think it did at first, but hasn't been working as well as I'd like.

I am going out of town to Dallas, TX for continuing education starting on Wednesday afternoon. I haven't really been dwelling on it too much, but I am definitely going to start testing pretty early. I got a positive OPK on day 19. My cervix felt high, soft, open, and had EWCM on day 20. My cycles are usually about 32 days. So, I think I'll start testing on day 28 so that I can get to the RE ASAP if I get a positive to check on all my levels.

Does anyone else have any 2WW foods or activities they usually follow?

How Things Went with the Doctor

2011-08-06T12:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's consultation with the RE went well. He was very nice and started out by stating that usually a couple that has a miscarriage ends up pregnant again within six months with a baby that they take home. Wow!

I asked about the Fertil.Aid stuff I keep reading about and he said that he hadn't heard anything either way about it (he had heard of it though). He felt that as long as I am taking a prenatal with enough folic acid, I am fine. He asked what I was taking and how much (I am taking prenatals he prescribed, but I didn't let it bother me). When I told him it's $120 for 90 days of the NeevoDHA that I am taking, he said that was outrageous and gave me stacks of samples and a "prescription" for some OTC prenatals that he says he likes. The prescription is so that I can claim it on my FSA (flexible spending account).

I asked if our chance of having a miscarriage was increased now and he said no, not unless we have 3 did they consider us at risk to have more. He said in that case if we decided to go the IVF route, then he would suggest the genetic testing, which has improved from PGD to another form where they actually biopsy day 5 blastocysts and can test about 8 cells as opposed to 1, which could always be the 1 bad cell in an embryo and then you've ruled out a perfectly good embryo.

I asked if he would recommend the Circle + Bloom. He said that he didn't have any statistics but he was very interested in that and had heard of people loving it. He seemed kind of glad that I was considering it. He said that basically if it makes me feel better about what I am doing and more relaxed then it probably will help me. He asked about acupuncture and when I told him how stressful making all those out-of-the-way trips to the acupuncturist were for me, he nodded and was fine with that. I told him about my chiropractor and he said that while he had no proof that chiropractic helps, if it makes me feel like I am doing something and I feel better, than yes, I should keep it up. He also said that if we needed a "prescription" for Circle + Bloom in order to claim it on FSA, he would be more than happy to write one. It made me happy that he wasn't all anti doing more work just because the IRS is stupid.

I asked about testing and he wanted to re-do the STD panel since it had been almost a year, do TSH and thyroid antibody test, and test my prolactin. So, we went ahead and had all that blood drawn yesterday. I got stuck twice and almost passed out. So embarrassing.

I asked what we should do if we got pregnant again on our own. He raised his eyebrows and said, "Good question." He said that he didn't think rushing to get progesterone was the answer. He said that he really didn't think that helped in situations like mine. If the HCG was low, progesterone would be headed down too. Also, progesterone levels can change based on what you've eaten, whether you've been sitting, standing, or lying down, etc... So, he said to call him as soon as we got a positive and come in for testing and monitoring and we'd go from there. He said to also take some baby aspirin to increase blood flow to the uterus. I think maybe I'll just get back on baby aspirin anyway. I don't think it'll hurt, do you?

Then, we got to the subject that we had saved for last: should we do IVF again now? He said that if we really wanted to, he wouldn't stop us. But, since we had gotten pregnant on our own, maybe an IUI with injectables would be the way to go. But, he said he'd suggest no more than 2 rounds and then back to IVF if we aren't pregnant. So, we are going to at least wait out the rest of this cycle and see what happens. Then, give his nurse a call.

My husband and I went to lunch after the consultation and talked about how we felt about how it went. We both felt good about seeing Dr. P and about the plan we had in place now. We were relieved he wasn't all, "You have to go ahead and use your second round of IVF now or you'll lose it."

If we aren't pregnant after this cycle, I am going to give his nurse a call and order Circle + Bloom for IUI or IVF cycles. I really want to be relaxed through all of this. I am excited. I am ready to get pregnant.

On a side note, I am trying really hard to pray and ask for God to give us a child in his time. I want for our actions to glorify Him so I am asking for His leading. My two best friends, who are sisters (14 months apart in age) are both pregnant, about 3 weeks apart. One is pregnant with her second and the other is pregnant with her first following two miscarriages that they suffered two months in a row. I am happy for them. I am praying for them. I want so badly to be pregnant with them because I think it would be so much fun. But, I think I'll love being pregnant no matter when God decides it will happen for us.

Lots Going On

2011-08-04T21:54:00.001-04:00

So, I finally got a visit from AF on Saturday. It was a pretty usual AF for me. I had spotting on Friday and cramping on Thursday and Friday. Then, I bled a ton Saturday and Sunday and had spotting Monday and Tuesday and have had nothing ever since. I was kind of hoping that AF would stick around for longer. Doesn't that mean that I am not really getting a good lining?

Anyway, tomorrow is our appointment with our RE. I am kind of nervous b/c I have no idea what he'll say or what we'll say. I have a few questions written down, but I don't know what to ask. I'm going to ask about testing like the glucose test, my thyroid, doing a day 3 and a day 21 panel since it's been so long, maybe testing DHEAS. I am going to ask him if anyone really gets any benefit from using that Fertil.aid stuff I read about on a lot of infertility websites. I am going to ask about the miscarriage and what my chances are of having another one. I am also going to ask what to do this month to catch a natural pregnancy early (okay, I admit that's a long shot, but JIC). When should I start testing? Should I go ahead right away and use some of the progesterone I already have, just call them, or what? I am going to ask him how many of his patients have used the Circle + Bloom meditations. I am really thinking about getting that if we do IVF again.

I am excited and nervous. It has been a stressful couple of weeks at work. I've been getting to work at 7 or 7:30 and not leaving until 7,8,8:30, then it takes me an hour to get home and we still have to cook and eat and do our Bible study stuff. I am pooped. Thankfully, our 10-Q is files along with all the other special filings we had to do for the acquisition we are doing. Another company wants to buy up all our stock and take us over now. Lovely. It's going to be an interesting rest of the year for us. I refuse to get stressed. I keep telling myself that.

Anway, what else should I ask the RE? Any ideas?

Being Fruitful in Other Ways

2011-07-24T19:56:00.000-04:00

My hubby and I have found other ways to be fruitful this summer. We have put in a couple of raised beds in our back yard and made one the beginnings of a flower bed for perennials (lilies and such that like tons of sun) and the other for vegetables. Since it was a new bed and we had laid a foundation of newspaper to keep out the bermuda grass (which didn't 100% keep it all out), we only planted a few things. We planted 3 strawberry plants, 2 jalapeno plants, and 2 green bell pepper plants. I really wanted tomatoes but I knew the roots would be too deep, so we bought a Topsy Turvy tree. We could have planted up to 6 tomato plants and three of something else like herbs or squash or zucchini. But we stuck with 3 tomato plants and one more strawberry just to see what happened. Then I later found out that strawberries are really perennials amd grow like vines, sending out "shooters" making new plants. Also, they do better the 2nd and 3rd years. Live and learn.

We have lots of green tomatoes right now. We have had a total of 3 tiny bell peppers and read recently that you have to fertilize those or they won't produce. So we've been fertilizing, but it may be a little too late. I just spoke with a couple at church this morning and they haven't used any fertilizer but they think it's because of their mulch. We went out and bought the good compost from this place in a city close to us, so I am not sure what else we could have done. The strawberry plants are sending out shooters like mad but we haven't gotten many strawberries and the ones we have had aren't the sweetest. So I need to research that, too. But...

I have said all this to build up to the big producers. Our jalapeno plants are creating so many peppers! My hubby is keeping a tally and we've picked 142 so far! We've made stuffed jalapenos and given tons away to coworkers. We made this yummy jalapeno stuffed chicken this past week. Then this weekend, I made jalapeno pepper jelly and canned pickled jalapenos! The jelly turned out sweeter than I thought it would be but it was good and it ended up making 10 4oz. jars. I got 3 jars of pickled jalapenos, which will make good pepper sauce to give as gifts at Christmas. I figure I'll probably be canning every couple of weeks this summer. I'm hoping to have enough tomatoes to can as well! The peppers pictured above were made into the jelly and pepper sauce pictured below.

So, do you have a vegetable garden this summer? What are you growing?

The End...and Possibly the Beginning

2011-07-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

Last Friday's bloodtest turned out to have a negative Beta. By Sunday, I finally stopped spotting. I'm so thankful. The nurse informed me that she has no idea when I'll get my next period and it will possible be horribly heavy and painful and probably disgusting. Has anyone else experienced that in their first period after a miscarriage? How long did it take for AF to come back for you. And, she also said that Dr. P is ready for us to come back for our second round of IVF. I was quite surprised because I had planned to ask her for a consultation with him once the tests were negative, but I was going to ask him what we should do next. I mean, if we can get pregnant on our own, should we just wait and see? Why does he want us to do IVF? So, I asked her to set us up an appointment for the Friday after we file our 10-Q at work. I figured that way if we do decide to start a cycle then, it will be a little less stressful. Of course, we'll be kicking off the budget process, but I have been doing a pretty good job, I think, of not being so stressed at work. I think I might look into getting some meditation downloads. I have heard a lot of people talk about doing the Circle + Bloom stuff, so maybe I will research that. But, I don't want to feel stressed because I didn't take the time out of a day to do the meditation. We will see. I want to hear what he has to say first.

So, it's the end of a pregnancy and miscarriage, but possibly the beginning of our next steps. I am excited to start doing something. I have been praying really hard for God to lead us in these next steps.

How's It Going "Down There"

2011-07-14T22:23:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a while since I have posted. I have wanted to post, but I am getting home very late these days from work. Let's see, I went to the RE the Wed. before 4th of July and had a follow up beta, which was 157. This was a good sign that my body is resolving things on its own and I will not have to have a shot of Methotrexate. I was still bleeding though, like on a period - the period that never ends! On Saturday, July 2nd, I thought that everything was about to stop because I had hardly no bleeding for the first time in a LONG time. Sunday there was still some blood, but not much. I had been really dragging lately and Sunday it felt like a switch turned on and I suddenly had so much more energy. I figured that my body was getting over the miscarriage and wasn't having to work so hard to get rid of everything. I had read it was normal to be tired during a miscarriage. Well, since then I have been spotting. Sometimes it is light and sometimes it is heavy, but constantly spotting. And, sometimes I have a few very small clots. I went last Friday and my beta was 32. So, I am going back tomorrow.

I am dreading tomorrow. I had been doing so well with the needles. I was telling myself it was no big deal, I was remaining calm. Well, there are two phlebotomists in my RE's office, both of whom were not there when I was going last fall. One of them I had all my previous visits this time around up until the Wed. before July 4th. Well, she had done fine. She had commented that my vein was a little hard once, but had no trouble getting it on the first try. Well, this other lady I have gotten the last two times and she can't seem to get my "good vein".

The first time, she stuck me and couldn't get any and I told her that I'd rather be stuck again to having her dig around. She looked at my right arm, but preferred to try my left again. She still didn't seem to think she was getting anything good, so she called over the other lady. At this point in time, I had completely leaned forward so that my arm was really hanging down so the blood would really flow. I am short, so those chairs aren't the best for me because I feel like I am reaching up to get my arm up there. Still, I handled the whole thing fairly well. I did say that if she dug in my arm, I really might cry. She said I shouldn't cry because she'd end up crying with me. Then the other lady said that I was talking too much when she came over there to see what was going on and she finally got my blood. Apparently I was getting nervous. That was our first encounter.

Last Friday, she called me back and I was telling myself, "stay calm, don't get worked up..." I put my arm up there and she felt around and pushed with her finger on my vein, then called the other lady over. Then, they begin discussing how my vein is sitting on the tendon in my arm and they'll have to go shallow. Well, at this point in time, I am all out headed for a panic attack. One of them looked at the other and said "she's panicking". Then, they told me to breathe and let me calm down a bit before the stuck me. No blood. Then, she starts digging around and I had to tell her twice not to dig around to just stick me again. Then, they go for my right arm and start tapping and saying things like "superficial" about my veins. No idea what that means. I finally starting feeling a tightness in my throat and a teensy bit light-headed and said "I think I should lay down". I went into the room and let my arm hang down and she had no trouble getting blood. I may ask them to lay me down in the future just so that my arm can really hang down. Does anyone else have this kind of trouble? I had never had trouble in the few times before I started with IF treatments that I'd had blood drawn or gotten IV's

Oh, and while I am on a roll, that is not the only thing. Probably the reason I had such a hard time keeping calm on Friday was that I got to the office and signed in and sat down and 10 minutes later the receptionist calls me up and says that I'm not on the schedule. Then, she smiles and looks at me. I informed her that my nurse made the appointment for me the previous Wed. for 7:30am and told her what I was there for. I felt irritated that she let me sit there for 10 minutes before calling me up there and then after she told me, she just stared at me instead of apologizing and saying "but, let's get you on the schedule and taken care of." It wasn't like they were super busy or anything. I really wasn't upset that much that I wasn't on the schedule because accidents happen and it was just a bloodwork appointment, people! It's not that difficult.

Okay, so a quick "update" has turned into quite the post. But, I apparently needed to get that off my shoulders. I am having to work extra hard to keep from getting stressed out because we have so much going on at work. We are about to go through the purchase of a company the same size as ours, roughly, so this should be an interesting few months!

Vacation

2011-07-02T21:46:00.000-04:00

With all the other drama going on, I never really blogged about our vacation last month. It was so much fun! We left on Thursday night, May 12 and drove halfway to Tampa. We drove the rest of the way down on Friday and then went to Busch Gardens and rode everything! We went back on Saturday and rode a couple of rides but mostly we went to all the different animal attractions and went to several shops. It rained that day, too. We went to a free Michael W. Smith concert that evening as well. We really enjoyed Busch Gardens.

On Sunday, we boarded the Carnival Legend. We had a 7 day cruise to the Western Caribbean including Cozumel, Belize, Isla Roatan, and Grand Cayman. We swam with dolphins, zip-lined, cave tubed, walked through the rain forest, layed on the beach, floated in the ocean, snorkeled, and shopped. It was an amazing time! We also spent quite a bit of time eating, laying by the pool, and going down the water slide!

Here I am on the slide:

Here is the slide:

Here is the view from our balcony (free upgrade!)

Here is the view when you zoom out. It was an "obstructed balcony".

Here I am on the zip line in Belize! After this we did cave tubing.

This is a view of Isla Roatan. So beautiful! We just did the beach this day.

Here we are snorkeling in Grand Cayman.

As you can see, we had a great time. It was the perfect mix of being busy doing fun vacation activities and then spending time relaxing. We love cruising!

How We're Feeling

2011-06-23T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'd like to share more about how we are feeling right now; what our perspective is. First of all, we am very well aware that just because we can get pregnant does not mean we will stay pregnant. So, the fact that we can get pregnant, but have already had a miscarriage is not something to be super excited about. But, it gives us hope, and this is why:

We were able to create a life on our own, with no drugs or medical intervention. I was not counting days or taking OPKs, nothing. I do plan to do that, but I also plan for my husband and I to spend more time laughing together and trying to relax and enjoy life so that we'll have more chance of getting his sperm and my egg to play nice together. That way, I can test super early and start taking progesterone right away and go see the doctor before I can have a period-like bleed, etc... At least, that's our plan. I just have to balance the "tracking" with the apparent stress it causes me. I guess I get a little uptight about it.

But, I have stopped taking my temperature or any of that because it never did anything for me. I am just taking notes on how I feel during the month. I think that I am also going to track what food I eat so that I can see how I am eating compared to whether or not we get pregnant. I have a http://www.myfitnesspal.com/ app on my phone so that I can do that pretty easily.

Speaking of food, I thought that that was my whole problem. Obviously not. I mean, we conceived on our vacation. Do you know what we ate and how much? A lot. Everything. Tons of fattening sugary desserts, fried foods, foods in other countries, etc... And icecream in between. Plus, the week before our vacation, I was so stretched, I knew there was no way we could get pregnant. I figured it would be this month, the month after we got back and I was still relaxed if it was going to happen. I mean, the week leading up to our vacation I was up until midnight every night, getting up at 5 every morning. I was working late to get the forecast done, staying up late to help our new churh financial secretary get the financials done since they'd waited to ask for help, and helping how I could with laundry and packing. We were both exhausted by the time we got on that ship. Maybe it really was all the sun I got. Laying in the sun does relax me a lot. I think I might get one of those cheap folding chairs you can lay on for my back yard. Maybe that will simulate laying on the beach.

I know that this is a super long post, and I appreciate you for listening. What do you think about our perspective and our plan?

What we feared

2011-06-22T15:22:00.000-04:00

Well the numbers went down by half today. My beta result was a 545. I am going back next Wed to make sure my body is taking care of things on its own. We are sad yet more hopeful than we were before.

Well it's not bad news exactly...

2011-06-20T16:59:00.000-04:00

...But it also isn't good news. Apparently they aren't sure what to think. My beta is 1,143. My nurse said that they would like to see it increase by at least 60% every two days, which would have been about 1,200 on Saturday. Well, today is Monday and I am only at 1,143. Dr. P thinks it could be a slow-growing embryo. Bless her heart, my nurse got on the phone and said that she didn't know how to take my results. She did say that the nasty blockage in my vag is normal. After I thought about it I emailed her to tell her that it was black (since I really couldn't say it sitting on the phone in my cubicle) so I couldn't tell if the black was because I was still bleeding or because of residual blood. I also asked about the pain I have been having in one spot at the intersection about one inch from the bend between my abdomen and thigh and halfway between my hip bone and pubic bone. Almost every time I have gas, I also have pain here, so I wasn't sure what was causing it and it wasn't constant. She said that it could be round ligament pain and the fact that it wasn't constant was a good sign to her. She also said that I needed to reach up there and pull as much of that buildup from the Crinone out so that we could see if I was still bleeding and also that if I was bleeding a lot - enough to really be worried - that it would be running down my leg and the Crinone wouldn't be able to "bioadhese" like it has.

So, she really set my mind at ease about those things. I am well aware that the numbers could mean an ectopic pregnancy or one that just won't last. I am still hopeful and still praying. Dr. P wants to do bloodwork again on Wednesday morning. So, that also makes me hopeful. If he thought it was an ectopic, I would think he'd want to do an ultrasound or something, right? Don't they usually want to get those taken care of right away?

What does this all sound like to you? Does anyone have any advice like should I be laying around or being active or is there something I should be eating that you've heard helps the lining thicken and the embryo grow faster?

What Will Happen Tomorrow?

2011-06-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

I am going back to the RE tomorrow to have another beta. I think that I am prepared for anything. I really thought all the mid-cycle spotting might be an early miscarriage from the beginning and I really didn't even want to know if it was. But, then I really did want to know. Now, I just want to see what is going on in my body. Am I really pregnant? Is it a blighted ovum, ectopic, a miscarriage? I have googled everything based on my HCG and Progesterone. But, I have prayed these last few days. I have prayed that God would do His will in our lives. I have prayed for peace. I have prayed for the baby that is hopefully growing inside of me.

I have been tired this weekend. I have been trying to think about whether anything was different this past month. I do remember my boobs being sore for about a day or two when it was about a week before my period was supposed to start. Also, I had cramps that started earlier than usual and I remember being annoyed by it. I am guessing that it was implantation cramps...and I had some spotting at the same time. I don't usually have spotting before my period then it stops like that. I am just worried about all the bleeding. I thought that I had stopped bleeding the day after I started taking the Crinone but then it started again on Saturday. I had been pretty active Friday night and Saturday morning. So, I thought that was why. But, to be honest, I googled Crinone side effects and realized that you can have discharge and buildup from it. Crunchy discharge. ***TMI Alert*** Since I have had bleeding, the Crinone discharge is black. It is super gross. But, if this leads to a healthy baby, I welcome it.

Anyway, I am just going into tomorrow morning with positive thoughts and prayers. I feel excited.

Oh, and I did really well for my blood draw on Thursday. I was proud of me. :)

Happy Monday everyone!

And the Answer Is...

2011-06-16T22:18:00.000-04:00

I got a blood test today for pregnancy and progesterone. My HCG is 811 and my progesterone is 4.5. When I heard the HCG level from the nurse, it sounded pretty high. But, if I count from the first day of my last period (not counting the bleeding 2 weeks ago), I would be about 6 weeks. When I look on all the websites, that seems low. The nurse told me that the progesterone was low but that Dr. P wasn't really worried. I think he just didn't want me to worry because I just googled and it's supposed to be at least 10, they say. But, I can't worry. I can just pray. We are excited! The doctor gave me some samples of Crinone cream to insert every morning, to help support my progesterone levels. So, hopefully the bleeding will stop. I can't worry. I know I already said that, but I have to keep saying it.

I am going back on Monday for another beta and progesterone check. Please say some prayers for us.

Until then, here's the little stick that started it all today:

One little word, but it speaks volumes, doesn't it?

Waiting and Wondering

2011-06-16T08:22:00.000-04:00

I am still bleeding and having some cramping. Yesterday was day 13 and I started doing OPKs. It was positive! Instead of being excited I was concerned, suspicious of the thing that I had been suspecting all along but couldn't even bring myself to admit to you all.

I know that LH and HCG have similar properties. So I consulted Dr. Google. Yep. A positive OPK can sometimes mean pregnancy, but a HPT will only show positive pregnancy. So when I got home from Bible study last night I did one of the cheapo HPTs I have. There were two lines. I did one of the nice ones this morning and got a pregnant. I have a call in with my RE's nurse. I hope she calls me back soon. On the one hand I am excited that I can get pregnant. But I'm afraid it is an early miscarriage. Before I jump to conclusions, I'd like to have something confirmed. Please say a prayer for me and my hubby. I am uncharacteristicly calm and hoping I can stay that way.

Should I Be Concerned?

2011-06-11T20:05:00.000-04:00

I interrupt this blog to reach out for...I don't know what. Advice? Comforting? I don't know. So, I'll get down to it. Be prepared for some serious TMI!

I received a visit from Aunt Flo last Friday (Apr 3). Usually, she sticks around for two days only then I maybe have some little spotting for a couple of days. Every once in a while, I might have a heavy "spot" or two on day 5ish.

Well, this time she visited for 3 full days! I was thinking, Wow! my uterine lining is all happy because I'm so relaxed from my vacation! Then, I had hardly no spotting. Then, yesterday, Friday, day 8, I had cramping. Not the worst cramping like I have every day 1 like clockwork, but maybe a level down from that. When I went to the restroom at the restaurant we went to in Midtown last night, there was a very heavy spot of very dark blood on my underwear! Then, when I got home, there was still plenty of blood. So much that when I stood up, there was blood floating in the water, so I guess I was dripping blood into the toilet! Then, today, I've been having the same situation. Cramping and seriously heavy spotting.

What does this mean? Is this normal? It's not normal for me! Could it be caused by being so hot? I've gained a few pounds lately since vacation and I stopped abstaining from gluten and dairy. Should I call a doctor or ignore it ans see how long it keeps going on? Should I start my OPKs on day 10 like normal (I skipped last month since I was cruising)?

Still Here

2011-06-07T21:36:00.000-04:00

I am going to try to blog something on here at least once a month, hopefully more. The husband and I went away for a long vacation! It was great! I will have to do a longer post on it soon, but for now, a picture.

Or two

The first is a picture of our cruise ship from Grand Cayman and the second is a picture of me about to go down the slide on our ship!

Been A Long Time

2011-04-28T22:31:00.000-04:00

I know it has been a long time. I have been trying to spend less time at work and more time with my husband. Plus, there's not been much time leftover when I am going to therapy for an hour every Monday evening and the Chiropractor every Tuesday and Thursday. Well, I am down to going to the Chiropractor once every other week for now. I am still having some mild back pain off and on, but it's usually when I am sitting wrong for a long time or something like that. I have gotten two positive Ovulation kits (Feb and Mar) but then this month I didn't get one for sure (the line wasn't as dark as the control line).

Therapy is...interesting. This is what is basically has consisted of:

Talking about things that make me feel frustrated and/or stressed out then coming up with the things I can do/think differently to keep from getting frustrated in those positions, or saying just avoid them.
Sitting back in one of those massage chairs wearing headphones listening to my psychologist from another room saying things like (and I'm not kidding) "Feeeeel relaaaaaxed. Feeeeel gooooooood. Let your hands feeeeel relaaaaxed, let them get very heavy..." and so on and so forth.
I have been informed that it is my choice to feel stressed out and I have to choose not to be.
I have finally informed him that I want to pinpoint specific things that I need to deal with and stop discussing various general things that stress me out and make me feel bad about myself because I need to pray about those things and ask God to help me as I have these things going on in my life that I don't like are put there by God. Obviously he wants me to go through these trials. I need to find joy in my life (with the understanding that joy described in the Bible is not the same thing as "happiness").
So, we are now talking about how I can't stand when other people invade my personal space without my permission, how much I can't stand doctors and I don't trust them, and my issues with needles. I think I have caused some frustration for him b/c he seems to want to be able to figure out why I have issues with needles to begin with and the fact is, I don't know!

I really didn't think that it was helping any, but lately I have noticed that I get stressed out less often and when I do get stressed out, it doesn't seem to be as bad.

We had 12 people besides my husband and I over to our house this past Saturday evening for a game night. Usually, everyone getting there at the same time and handing me something they've brought or wanting to talk to me will get me all stressed out so much that it would take me half the night to feel like a normal person again. Well, we were behind on cooking, so my sister and her husband were helping me as well as two of my closest girlfriends and everyone else was walking in and out of the kitchen talking to us or standing in the living room talking. I was having to tell everyone what to do since I had the plan in my head. I was remaining fairly calm. My sister even commented that I would be a good kitchen manager.

I'm still not sure if I am okay with needles. I mean, how do you tell yourself it's perfectly fine to let someone purposefully stick you with a needle?

Anyway, that's a taster of what's going on. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I even took about a 3 week break from reading blogs (not on intentionally, it just happened, but I wasn't real sad about not keeping up while I wasn't reading). But, I have been reading the last few weeks.

My husband and I are also planning to go on a 7 day cruise and a one-day trip to Busch Gardens in a couple of weeks! I can't wait!

So It Goes

2011-03-15T19:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I am not pregnant. I started right on time. And, my cramps were back and just as bad as usual. I was really surprised, but I was disappointed. Maybe this month. The chiropractor is taking a more aggressive approach and is going from using an activator to adjusting me using a drop table. Things have been crazy lately, but I do still intend to blog about what's going on at the therapist's office.

Two Lines

2011-02-24T22:22:00.000-05:00

I mentioned in my last post that I'd been seeing the Chiropractor. When I went, the Chiropractor listened to where my pains were (I have lots) and felt around an informed me that the area of my lower back that has been causing me pain for a couple of years, which had several vertebrae out of place, is where all the nerves are that control my reproductive organs! Wow. Of course he said that he can't promise that it will help my infertility but they can definitely help with my pain. I've been going for about 3 weeks now and I feel much better. I went for my first adjustment on a Thursday then started AF over the same weekend and had absolutely no cramps. That is a major hurdle in and of itself. Then, at the request of my husband, I have been doing the OPK strips (the cheap-o's) this month. Today was day 18 and I got two dark lines! Yay! I have not really, for sure, ovulated on my own in a long time. I mean, before I would sometimes get a faint line or a "maybe that's as dark as the control line, but I'm not sure" line. And, always day 18-19, which is probably a little late - but my cycle last 30-32 days generally. But, this morning it was for sure two lines the same darkness! So, what did I do...I woke my husband up to inform him! He certainly didn't mind. ;)

So, even though I know that you can get a positive and not ovulate and you can get a negative and still ovulate with those OPKs, that's still better than many of the tests I have done in the past. I also am very aware that I could have been ovulating all along and getting a fertilized egg all along and the poor things have been dying b/c my ovaries suck the life out of them before they are even released. Or, probably my lining isn't thick enough b/c my estrogen is crazy, so they may not be properly implanting. So, I am not getting my hopes up, but this is definitely a positive sign! Yay!

Random Funny

2011-02-23T08:19:00.000-05:00

So, I was just commenting on Angie's blog and my little word that I have to type to prove I'm a real person was "fatiesse". I looked it up on dictionary.com and it's not a real word, but dictionary.com offered: did you mean fatties? Nice. Now I am sucking in my stomach. :)

Follow up on the Last Post

2011-02-22T20:15:00.000-05:00

Hi Everyone! Thanks for all the input from my last post. I have been meaning to look for a new Gyn for a while, but I keep telling myself I'll wait until I'm pregnant to pick one. Why, I don't know. He is a nice guy, but he has said too many things like that to me for me to actually think he knows what he's talking about. I do not have PCOS. He thought I might after doing a day 3 blood test including glucose test incorrectly by not telling me to fast, but my first RE confirmed that I did not have PCOS and my second RE never thought it looked like I did either. Everyone seems to think I have ovarian issues. I guess it is my own laziness that is to blame for me still going to see him. But, there is one other thing - when he does the pap smear, it doesn't hurt. I barely even feel it. Every other Gyn that I have been to it has been very uncomfortable and sometimes actually painful. But, I guess I just need to get over that. I guess my other excuse has been that I only go to him now for my annual appointment and I see the RE for the issues I have. But enough is enough. There are enough doctors to choose from in the Atlanta area that I should be able to find someone I like.

Hopefully in my next post I'll talk some about what I've been going through with the psychologist I've been seeing. I've also been seeing a Chiropractor and my back is feeling so much better. I have a lot to tell!

Quick Question

2011-02-17T22:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is just a quick post to ask a question to all of my bloggie friends out there.

Yesterday I went for my annual ob/gyn visit. I will say here that I go back and forth between liking and not liking him. He does seem like a nice man. I would never have a baby with his practice b/c I have a good friend that goes there as well and she had some not so great experiences with them while going through the pregnancy process. Also, he is the one who (or maybe his office) failed to tell me to fast for my first day 3 blood work, so my blood sugar was high (obvi) and instead of re-testing me at his own cost, put me on terrible Metformin (blah).

Anyway, I digress.

So, my ob/gyn comes in and says so, are you actively trying to get pregnant. Yes. How long? 3 years. Nods. (Really, buddy, you should know this). Are you still having regular periods? Yes. Well, that's good, at least we know you're ovulating. I am certain I am not. You have to be. You wouldn't be having regular periods if you weren't. We could do a day 24 blood test for your progesterone levels and I'll prove it to you. No. I've done everything and I don't want any more tests. Have you charted your temperature? Yes, they are all over the place. My temperature tells me nothing. Silently nods.

I did try to soften it by telling him I know he's an expert, but I am not a normal case.

Obviously my therapy has not begun dealing with my issues with doctors.

However, I was told by my first RE that they could test progesterone and do OPKs, but the only way to be absolutely certain that I ovulate is to hold the u/s wand in my vagina and watch it happen, which obviously isn't an option.

So, what have you all been told/read? Can you have regular periods and not ovulate. I mean, in the 3 years I have been TTC, I have had 2 very late periods (and strangely, they both came the first month I began seeing a new RE).

Stylish Blogger Award

2011-02-06T16:00:00.000-05:00

Angie over at Random Thoughts from Angie has graciously awarded me with the Stylish Blogger Award! How thoughtful!

The rules for accepting this award are:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Here are seven things about me:

1. I am really short. Only about 5'1".

2. I can't stand watching the super stupid movies, like Ace Venture or Dumb and Dumber.

3. I enjoy gardening - when it's warm outside.

4. I like to clip coupons and save tons of money when I go grocery shopping. I feel disappointed if I don't save 40-50% when I go grocery shopping.

5. I love red grapefruit. It's kind of like candy.

6. I like action movies like Indiana Jones, Die Hard...stuff like that.

7. I recently tried Peanut Butter Snickers and they are delicious!

I don't regularly follow 15 blogs that haven't already posted about the award, so I will list the ones that I love reading that I don't see the award listed on their recent posts.

I'd like to share this award with:

Murgdan
Baby Baker
Rebecca
Nick and Kristi
Jen
Mummy in Waiting
My Infertile Confessions
Uneggsplained
AP
Jess/ Glass Case of Emotion
Andrea

Happy ICLW!

2011-01-20T21:18:00.000-05:00

Happy ICLW! For those of you who don't know what ICLW is, you can read all about it here on the Stirrup Queens website.

Just to give you a little information about myself, I am 31 years old (at least for a few more months) and I have been married for 7 years and TTC for 3 years. I have had 4 IUIs and 1 IVF, all failures. I've been to two REs, 2 acupuncturists, and a nutritionist. Currently, I am on hold on all other treatments and seeing a therapist. According to my current RE, I'm too stressed out for treatment to work. Great.

Let's see what else I can tell you about me that is fun and non-infertility related - maybe even something new for my blog readers altogether. I have 3 super cute, super sweet cats. The Controller at my company was showing me pictures of her cats the other day and she was just so excited about them. She said, "I'm addicted to my cats!" That's how I feel. I love them and they are like my kids for now. My husband and I both spoil them rotten. I enjoy scrapbooking but haven't done much lately. I did make all of our Christmas cards for 2 years in a row (2009 and 2010). That is an undertaking! I've already purchased next years in "after Christmas" sales. I can actually put my creative energies into scrapbooking in 2011. I have decided to pick up crocheting because I have always wanted to. My mom was an avid crocheter and she taught me the basics, and I am surprised that I am picking it up pretty quickly. My church has a new ministry where we sew, crochet, and knit little blankets, hats, and booties for preemies and still borns at the hospitals in our area. I want to be able to participate in that. I enjoy reading and I am currently reading 3 books: Persuasion by Jane Austen, Feminine Appeal by Carolyn Mahaney, and The Infertility Cure by Randine Lewis. I am an accountant by trade and I do work in a pretty stressful position in my job.

So, there. That's me in a nutshell. Please feel free to comment! I'd love to hear from you and be able to link back over to your blog and read all about what's going on with you!

Snow in Atlanta!

2011-01-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

It snowed Sunday night and most of Monday morning. We got about 7 inches. That is a lot for the Atlanta area, for those of you who don't live here. We are NOT equipped to deal with weather like that. Before church, half the schools in area had already announced closing and obviously it had not even started snowing yet! I had to work from home today. I hate WFH! I just want to curl up with a good book with a cat or two laying on my legs and feet. But instead, I was tied to my laptop (but I still had Maxwell on my legs some of the time). I was not the most productive person today, but I did get more done than I thought I would. I guess when it snows, the only way birds can keep warm enough to stay alive is to fluff up their feathers and eat. So, they did. My husband filled up all the bird feeders yesterday when we got home from church, and I am glad he did. The cats were so excited, they did not get their usual "day of cat naps" which means they sleep all day until we get home. So, they are all three asleep right now.

The top picture is a picture of our backyard at 7am today. The second one is Mathilda trying not to fall asleep this afternoon after a long hard day of bird-watching (and chattering and tail swishing and running from the front window to the back window to get the best looks at the best birds). (And, yes, there are crumbs in the chair. I am a little annoyed they are in the picture, but I didn't realize they had been left there until after I'd gotten the super cute pic). The third one is of Sampson bird-watching later in the day (note the empty bird feeder, which was full in the morning). Then, last but definitely not least, is Maxwell, watching birds. The funny thing about that picture is that you can really see all the nose prints I desperately need to wash off the window. None of my pictures have been great quality lately. I need to work on getting the setting right on my camera for various picture taking opportunities.

Christmas and New Years

2010-12-28T22:25:00.000-05:00

I want to start this post off by saying thanks to everyone for the comments. We have picked a therapist and I am planning to make an appointment with him after the beginning of the year. I still have not heard back from my RE about the antiovarian antibodies test they did. So, I am going to have to give them a call.

I went for an appointment with my acupuncturist today and he didn't charge me! My back has been hurting so he focused on that and gave me an adjustment because he has training in chiropractic treatment as well. He gave me a massage and it felt so good...he is pretty aggressive, but sometimes that is what it takes!

We had a really nice Christmas! We went to our Christmas Eve service at our church. My in-laws came and we went to IHOP afterwards. Then, we went to my husband's extended family gathering, which is at his cousins' house that live pretty close to us, on Christmas day. It's always good to see everyone that comes to that. The day after Christmas, we went to my husband's sister's house with his parents and did our gift exchange. We both got some good gifts.

Yesterday, I went shopping with two of my girlfriends. It was a lot of fun. We all got some very good deals. I am always interested in the semi-annual sales at Bath & Body Works and Yankee Candle. But, the mall we went to has a whole store devoted to BBW candles, so I didn't even go to Yankee. I was so proud of myself for avoiding that one store. The Loft had 50% off your entire purchase! I could have gotten carried away, but even at 50% off, that stuff is still kind of expensive. I got two sweaters, a pair of slacks, and a pair of tights for $100. I got my hubby a super cute sweater at Banana Republic. I cannot pass that store without checking out the men's clearance rack. Old Navy jeans were $15/pair! Well, I know you don't want all the details of my shopping trip, but obviously I am still riding on the post-shopping high!

So, what is everyone doing for New Years? We are going to some friends' house with our small group from church. We are going to eat lots of good food, play fun games, and hang out. I am making my famous non-alcoholic margaritas (it's lime-aid, sprite, and ice blended together). Then, on New Year's Day, we are celebrating Christmas with my dad and his wife and my sister and her husband.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas and will have a Happy New Year! Be safe and warm!

Here's the Story

2010-12-21T12:22:00.000-05:00

I have been pretty quiet lately. I have been trying to leave comments.

Here is what happened when we went into the RE for our follow up:

The RE told us that my ovaries and hormones were slow to respond to the drugs. Yes, they did use an aggressive protocol since they had done an IUI with us with injectables already. Once the eggs were fertilized, the embryos were slow to grow. They don't know why. He thinks that there is a mind-body connection and I am too stressed out. I obviously do not trust his team and I was fighting them the whole way. Yes, it is okay to ask questions. (This is what I asked because I couldn't tell why he thought I was "fighting" them when I did everything they said, I've done everything everyone has said for crying out loud). No one on my team wants to work with you any more (Okay, so he said there were a couple of people who didn't like me, but still). I am not willing to go forward with a second cycle until you go see a therapist. I could tell from the first day you walked into my office that you had issues, just the look on your face reflects all kinds of anger and hostility {but I took your $15K anyway and put you through the treatments even though I thought it wouldn't work}. Maybe you should go somewhere else and get a second opinion, {even though I already took your money and you will have to save up for another year to pay for treatment elsewhere}.

The stuff in brackets and parenthesis is mine. I cannot argue that I have a lot of stress and that I do not always deal with it the best. However, I feel like I hide it well. I can feel extremely angry at a coworker and have an entire conversation with them. Then, if I ask them later if I was rude, they say no. Our controller laughs at me if I give someone a hard time jokingly because "she's the nicest person in the department." I don't necessarily agree with her, but I also don't think I am a horrible person to be around.

So, we are looking at therapists. It is true that I don't have much trust for doctors. However, I respect them. I do ask a lot of questions. My care is my responsibility and I want to make sure they aren't confusing me with the last 5 people they've seen going through whatever it is I am going through. I like to make sure they've considered everything - especially if they tell me something that is different from what they've told me before.

I am extremely nervous (big surprise) about going to a therapist. Have any of you ever been? We had to go for a 1 hour appointment before beginning IVF and it was a waste of time. All she did was get our infertility history. We didn't get into any feelings, stress, etc...

To be honest, I spend more time stressing about things than I should. It would be a relief to learn how to not do that. I am just unsure of what to expect and how much to expect.

Will we go back to this RE? I don't know. My husband wants to because we've already signed up for the 2-cycle deal (basically 2 for the price of 1). And, while they've offered to refund us anything we paid over, I doubt there will be much leftover since we're basically getting a free second cycle. Maybe I could go to another doctor/nurse team in the same practice, but I am sure that the RE would have talked about me. So, I wouldn't have a clean slate.

So, that's where we are. My husband has been pretty quiet. I asked him point blank if the thought before now that I needed therapy and he said that he never thought I was that bad but at times I do have a hard time dealing with stress, especially regarding anything medical. He has been awesome in taking the responsibility to seek out a therapist on my insurance closer to where we work/live than down town. Because driving out that way would be way stressful.

I have also dropped the gluten free diet, which I was always unsure of whether or not it was helping me. I feel no difference. I am still planning to do the dairy free until I can get to an allergist and get their opinion. I ate cheese pizza on Saturday though and didn't get sick at all. No bloating, no upset stomach, nothing. My husband thought the gluten free and dairy free was more stressful than it was worth, and too expensive, if we can't tell a difference.

Sorry for the length. I just needed to get it out there. Hopefully my story will help someone else. For now, we aren't doing anything. We're just enjoying having unplanned sex!

Still Here

2010-12-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

I am still here. I have been avoiding the blog-land lately. I have a story to tell from our follow up with the RE but I am not ready to tell it yet. I don't know how. But, until then, I hope that everyone stays safe and warm. We have had some snow today and when I woke up this morning the weather man said we'd already had our high. I looked at our indoor-outdoor thermometer and it said 44 degrees F. Have I mentioned that I live in GA?! Nothing is sticking yet, but I hate the idea of it. I love snow and it also scares me. I feel that excited feeling I always felt when I was a kid and I love the beauty of it. But, now that I am all grown up, I also realize the danger or driving to work at 6 in the morning with all the other GA drivers who don't know how to drive in the snow. It's 27 degrees F right now. Brrrr...

But, I digress. I hope that everyone enjoys the weather and stays safe. :)

Sadness

2010-12-06T09:00:00.001-05:00

I good friend of mine from college lost a baby this week. She had already had all her showers. I am not sure exactly how far along she was, but pretty far. I had been feeling the usual feelings of happiness for her and sadness that we weren't there. This is what she posted on FB:

"Baby "B" went to meet Jesus this week. We don't understand why, but we will always cherish her as our beautiful baby girl. She entered the world weighing 5lb. 10 oz. and measuring twenty-one and a quarter inches. She is at peace and is dancing at the feet of Jesus."

This girl has always been an admirable person. She is so strong in her faith. I am praying that I can have this faith. Please pray for my friends at this time. Seeing this sent my mind reeling and my heart just broke.

Thank you

2010-12-01T20:44:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for the touching comments. It really does mean a lot for so many of you to reach out and let me know you care. I have been back at work since Tuesday and just trying to "act normal." I am also dealing with all kinds of confusing emotions as well. I am extremely nervous about my RE follow-up, which is next Wednesday right before lunch. It's completely illogical, I know. I am a really bad worrier. It's very sinful to do that, but I get it honest. I come from a long line of women who over-worried, were paranoid, and probably bi-polar. I feel like I am working on it because I can recognize that I am a little crazy so I have won half the battle in that, right? But, really, I am mostly sane, most of the time. :)

I am so happy to see all the BFPs that have happened this month. I truly am. I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to continue to remain joyful for those who get pregnant. I am ashamed that my joy is often marred by my own sadness that I am not joining the ranks of "the pregnant ladies." It's so selfish to feel that way, I know. So, I try to squash it. But, it's still there. Seething below the surface.

I loved this post by Mel that she posted today. I agree that I would rather choose fire than ice. But, there have been a few showers I have skipped. Or, usually I make other plans so I have an excuse not to go.
I don't skip church though. My church is family-integrated and there are only two married couples besides my husband and I that don't have kids yet. One family has one child. Two have two. The rest - they range from 3 (the young couples) to 8. One family has just announced they are expecting their 9th. We are technically non-denominational, but most of us came from other Baptist churches and we support the SBC cooperative program (which is awesome, if you ever want to know where to give). (Just to give you some background, in case you were wondering).

Anyway, I may be a spotty blogger in the next week, but please don't think I've disappeared. Or, that I am not really truly happy for those that are getting their miracles. You are in my prayers as I recognize that now you have a new set of worries.

Negative

2010-11-29T11:46:00.000-05:00

I heard from my nurse. My beta was negative. She said that my RE and the embryologist are going to go over all the information on us and she'll give me a call later in the week to schedule an appointment to meet with the RE and go over things. I guess I am really not shocked by this given the state of our embryos and the fact that they were willing to put back 3. The plan we bought was for 2 cycles, but I am not starting another cycle until I have more testing done. The RE told me before this cycle that he didn't think that immune testing and such told them a lot and even when it did rarely was there anything they could do or did it change their protocol. I trust my doctor, but I don't think that was a good answer. I have been reading a lot of blogs since then and I know of at least 2 bloggers who have had immune testing done, made medicine/lifestyle changes because of it, and gotten pregnant. So, don't tell me it doesn't make a difference. I am glad that I took today off.

Tomorrow!

2010-11-28T18:51:00.000-05:00

I cannot believe I have made it this whole time without POAS. My IVF buddy, the Baby Baker, did this morning and she got a positive! Yay! Go over and congratulate her!

I am really praying for peace and to not be anxious. I really want a positive test. I just don't know how to feel or how to pray or how to think or how to not be anxious! I know that was a grammatically incorrect sentence - so sorry.

We've almost finished putting up our Christmas decorations. My husband got a new version of Rock Band this weekend for his birthday and he is currently playing that. Maybe after dinner we can either play together or watch a movie.

I don't know how I will feel tomorrow either way. I know I'll obvious be happy for a positive, but will I laugh, cry, run around the house jumping for joy? I just don't know. Anything is possible. What will I do if it's negative? Will I just take it and be like, "oh well"? Will I be able to make it through the conversation with the nurse before I start crying? Will I be able to call my husband with the news? I am just so glad I took a vacation day tomorrow. I know I wouldn't get anything done at work.

I know that God has a plan for me. I just do not know what that is. It may be for me to be pregnant right now. It may be for me to be pregnant in three years from now. It may be for us to adopt, but I certainly don't feel that right now. His plan may be for us to live child free. Whatever the Lord wants for us, we will still have joy in being one of His elect.

Thanks for reading my spastic post. Until tomorrow...

What I Am Thankful For

2010-11-25T10:24:00.000-05:00

Update - 9dp3dt

2010-11-25T10:23:00.000-05:00

Today is 9dp3dt for me.

I want to record how I have been feeling:

I was constipated, but that has passed. I thought that was why I was bloated, and while I am less bloated, I am still somewhat bloated.

I am still having cramps off an on. Some of them are no big deal, but I have had a couple of doozies. Luckily, they pass quickly.

I have been kind of emotional. Like, I want to cry at tv shows, etc... But, that started around the same time that my Vivelle dots started, so I don't know.

Speaking of Vivelle patches, I put my third one on today. I am changing them every other day. OUCH! Removing that thing is super painful. I'd rather do a subcutaneous inject. And, you know about my anxiety with needles.

I have been really thirsty. I am trying to drink a lot of water.

I am feeling calm for the most part, yet I just really can't wait until Monday. At the same time, I don't want Monday to come. I can't stand the thought of not being pregnant. But I feel hopeful. At the same time, as soon as I feel hopeful, I want to squash it. The less I hope the less I hurt. But, obviously I have some hope because I keep not shopping for new clothes.

So, that's about it. We're keeping busy. We've seen the new Harry Potter movie twice, once on the regular screen and once on the IMAX! I really want to go see Tangled too, but I doubt we'll be able to before Monday. Tomorrow, we are having my family over for my husband's and BIL's birthday celebrations. My husband's birthday is today and my BIL's is in January, so we don't want to celebrate it at Christmas. Saturday, we are having lunch with my husband's parents for his birthday then coming home, getting out Christmas decorations, and then watching the UGA/GT football game (well, okay, he'll be watching, I'll be decorating). Then, Sunday is church and then Monday morning is the test! AHHHHH!!

Am I Being Paranoid?

2010-11-22T21:10:00.001-05:00

I have been having some cramping off and on today. Every month, about a week before AF comes, I have cramping. I hope this isn't a bad sign. Can you have cramping after implantation that is a symptom of pregnancy? The nurse told us that the embryos would implant within 24-48 hours of the transfer, so this is too late for implantation cramping. I am trying to not freak out. I am.

Drippings with Goo

2010-11-22T20:13:00.001-05:00

Do you all remember this scene at the end of Ghostbusters II?

I have always loved these movies. This morning, I could feel the Endometrin running out of me (I know, disgusting TMI) and this is the first saying I thought of: "Why am I drippings with goo?"

Happy ICLW!

2010-11-21T20:31:00.000-05:00

It's already ICLW again! I can't believe it. This is really only my second time participating in ICLW, but I have been a "blurker" (blog lurker) for a while.

Just to give you a little back story on my TTC journey: my husband and I have been TTC since December 2007. I have had 4 IUIs, 2 REs, and am currently in the 2WW from my first IVF cycle. I have also seen a naturopath/nutritionist and two acupunturists.

Right now we are just praying that our three little embryos have snuggled in and are healthy and thriving in their nice thick lining. Today I started the Vivelle patches. I am going to change them everyt other day. So, I hope that they don't get too gross in the shower.

My RE's nurse said that I needed to come in for a test 12 days after my 3dt. That would be the Sunday after Thanksgiving. So, I am going in on Monday, 11/29 for my beta. I am nervous, excited, scared to death, and I don't know what else.

My acupunturist said to give him a call after I get the results of my beta and we'd make a plan from there. I just hope I've done everything I can. I eat pretty healthy and I am on a gluten free/dairy free diet. I eat mostly chicken and vegetables. But, I did eat burgers (with no bun of course) and fries a couple of times. Well, there's nothing I can do about it now.

I have rambled enough! I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Embryo Update

2010-11-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, here they are, our three little embryos that were transferred on Tuesday, in all their 4-celled glory!

It's been almost a week since my egg retrieval and 3 days since my 3dt. I do feel like this week has flown by. I definitely have mixed emotions.

I am still feeling very tender in the ovary area. When I have to pee, it is pretty painful. I have been constipated, which is irritating. The RE told me to take Colace and it has been helping some, but it is causing some stomach pains. Some of them are really strong. At least, I guess that's what that is.

The RE's office called this morning and told me that the 4 embryos that they were watching, the ones that arrested then started growing again, had stopped growing and they were not intending to freeze any of them. I thought that I had prepared myself for that, but I felt just as crushed as I did the first time they told us they'd stopped growing on day 2. Four little lives ended. Also, now all of our eggs are in one basket, literally. I really hope at least one of these embryos feels as attached to me as I do to them.

Then, I got in my car today to leave and my RE had called and left me a message. Like the actual doctor. He was just calling to check on me. I was kind of sad I missed the call.

So, we're just praying. We're praying for God's will to be done. I am trying to trust in the Lord and rest in the truth that His plan is the very best thing for me, no matter what my will is. I am praying that I can glorify him through this whole process.

Transfer Complete!

2010-11-16T10:46:00.000-05:00

We had the transfer this morning. I had already drunk a lot of water this morning before we even got there and we got there 45 minutes before the scheduled transfer time. So, I went to the bathroom first thing. I wasn't sure I'd even make it up there. Then, I sat there and drank 2 more 16.9 oz bottles of water. The lady from the lab came and gave us the picture of our embryos and said that they were all three 4 cells, which is the low end of normal. They wanted to transfer all three. We had to talk about that for a while because that is a huge risk. But, she said that they wouldn't suggest it if they thought our chances of having triplets was high. The chance was probably less than 5%. That makes me wonder what our chances of getting pregnant at all are with 3 4-cell embryos. The good news is that the other 4 little embryos have begun to cleave, so they are watching them to see if they turn into blasts and if they do, we'll freeze them!

I found the transfer to be extremely uncomfortable, almost painful because of how full my bladder was. However, the actual transfer was not. It was kind of painful when he threaded the catheter with the embryos in there because it hit the side of my uterine wall, and I didn't realize he was still sticking stuff up in there. He really didn't tell me anything he was doing, which I thought was dumb. He kept surprising me and making me jump because I wouldn't be expecting whatever it was I was feeling. Is it really a great idea to surprise someone who is laying on a table with her rearend hanging off, legs spread, over your feet with a full bladder under the pressure of a speculum and an ultrasound monitor? No. I think not.

But, I am not pregnant until proven otherwise! I am really excited and nervous. I am taking it easy today and my blood test for the beta testing is Nov. 29 at 7:30. I'm not sure when they're supposed to call us about our other 4 embryos, so we are going to call them in a day or two.

I'll scan the picture of our embryos and post them later.

Transfer tomorrow

2010-11-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

I just talked to my nurse. We only have three normally growing embryos left. The others have arrested growth and are only 1-2 cells. I am happy that we still have 3, but crushed that so many have died. If our cells don't mesh well together can we ever acheive a pregnancy? If this doesn't work, I don't care what the doctor says, I want to be tested. I want to know the answer. I am praying that it works though.

The transfer is at 8am tomorrow morning. Prayers are appreciated.

Waiting...Working?

2010-11-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

I am trying to be productive while waiting to hear from the nurse, but it is almost impossible. I hope I don't get fired. I'll try to update as soon as I've told my husband what's going on. I'm praying for good news!

Fertilization Report

2010-11-14T11:38:00.000-05:00

While I was typing that fun post about our wonderful kitties, the nurse called with our fertilization report! My heart started pounding!!

Of the 9 eggs we got yesterday, 7 fertilized the conventional way. I was kind of surprised because I was thinking maybe the reason we weren't getting pregnant is that sperm just wasn't penetrating egg. But, I guess we have definitely learned that that's not it, at least not this time. My regular nurse will call us tomorrow with an update and a transfer date. The nurse didn't know what was wrong with the two that didn't fertilize, but I will ask tomorrow because I want to know as much as we can.

Seven is a good number. I really would not want to have more than that, but of couse, we would take whatever God gives us. We have very strong feelings about life. We know that once sperm meets egg, that is a life that God has created in his own image. So, we have every intention of using every embryo that survives unless that becomes physically impossible, in which case we'll allow them to be adopted.

I am really excited about what we've heard. I started the Endometrin vaginal suppositories this morning. My lining is nice and thick and I want to keep it that way. Because I have a history of having a thinnish lining, I don't want that to be the problem and to have gone through all this for nothing. I feel like everything that we can do, we have done it or are doing it. It's all in God's hands, as it has been all along.

I interrupt this regularly scheduled infertility blog...

2010-11-14T11:25:00.001-05:00

I am sitting here trying to patiently await the call from the nurse to get our fertilization report. I am not sure what time they usually call. But, I can't wait to hear! I am really excited! My husband was really excited this morning too. He said that he hoped he could concentrate on church and not think about what we'd hear. I tend to dwell on things so I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep thinking about everything that happened and that annoying anesthetist. But, every time I realized I was getting all tense, I would just pray.

I thought I would share with you all our sweet furkids while I wait. They are really the most purr-fect cats ever! I have our two boys sitting on either side of me right now as I type. We have had them since June of 2005. They were about 12 weeks old when we got them; they are from the same litter. They are the sweetest, smartest cats ever. Maxwell is our sleek, solid black cat. He is like a panther, a natural-born killer and so beautiful. He is so loving and definitely a mama's boy. He likes for me to lean over when I pet him so that my hair falls down and he walks through my hair and sniffs it. Sometimes he'll be purring while he's sniffing it and his mouth comes open and it's just so loud. I think it's really sweet. Sampson is the typical fat cat. I call him our Kliban cat. He is black and white and some of the pads on his toes are pink and some are black. I think that's so cute. He's so laid back and LOVES to be brushed. So much so that when he's around, we have to spell the word or he starts meowing adamantly. Also, we have a brush on the side of our tub for them and while you're petting him he walks over to it, sniffs it, then turns and looks at you. It really is heart-melting. Sampson and Maxwell are huge cats. They each weight just under 15 pounds and they aren't overweight. They are really well-behaved. We have tons of bird feeders and chairs close to the windows so the cats can watch birds when they are tired of playing with the gajillion toys we have provided for them. They have never really caused a lot of havoc - not even with our Christmas tree. They do like to steal flash drives and hide them though.

Along comes Mathilda. My husband's boss found her as a teeny tiny kitten under a bush in the snow this past January. One girl took her home but couldn't keep her so she kept bringing her back to work and of course my husband fell under her spell. She really was a beautiful kitten - hard to resist. She has turned our world upside down. She is hyper and crazy. Just a ball of energy. The boys usually go crazy and run like wild-cats for about 15-30 minutes around 9pm each night. Mathilda is just non-stop. But, when she sleeps, she sleeps and when she wants attention, she gets it. We all love her, even the boys.

Now that I have bored you with talk about our kitties, I will steal your heart with pictures of them and all their beautiful adorableness.

Egg Retrieval

2010-11-13T15:01:00.000-05:00

My egg retrieval was this morning. I am doing pretty well. I really want to sleep but I can't. We got 9 eggs! I am excited but a little nervous about the fertilization report tomorrow. I have had some pain, but not anywhere near as much as I expected. I have taken Tylenol twice and been drinking a lot of water. My husband felt like his part went pretty successfully. I am always worried about that, too. We want lots of little swimmers! I am really praying that we are successful and don't have to go through this again. We'll find out on Monday whether we're having a day 3 or a day 5 transfer (so that's Tuesday or Thursday).

I have decided to not go to church tomorrow morning for a few reasons. First, I want to make sure I am feeling okay. Next, I don't want to miss the call for my fertilization report. Lastly, it's our niece's 9th birthday tomorrow and we're going out to Marietta to celebrate her birthday tomorrow after church and I want to feel well-rested and able to go to that since we won't see them at Thanksgiving and I want to see her open her gifts.

Here is my take on today:

I feel like the anesthetist should be replaced. She put the IV in the crook of my arm and I really didn't think they usually did that since people generally like to bend their arms and all (not that I'm a medical person or anything, but really...). Then, she kept lecturing me on how I needed to work on my anxiety issues because I was making things much more complicated and dramatic than they needed to be. Because that's going to make me feel more calm and taken care of. I wanted to suggest that she shut up and do her job and let me sit there and hyperventilate and pass out. As I walked over to the procedure room she said, "We're here to take care of you and you don't trust us." That was probably the understatement of the day. I have spent most of my life being told that doctors can't be trusted and medical people will run all over you. My mom had a near fatal car accident when I was 5 and she eventually had so many surgeries over the years and was in so much pain she committed suicide (when I was 19). That's all I've ever heard is that doctors don't think of us as real people. I have worked very hard to not believe that. I don't necessarily think it's the doctors that act that way for the most part, personally. I think it's the support staff (some of them, definitely not all - I've met some really caring MAs, nurses, and NPs). There were two nurses who were super nice but the first person we met really needed to work on her bedside manner. I think she was a nurse, but I am not sure because she never even introduced herself to us. We had been told to get there at 7 and got there just at 7 and had someone from the back area let us in and we sat for about 20 minutes waiting for someone from the IVF area to get there. Then, she just wasn't very...I don't know...but she made me feel automatically nervous and defensive. Then, apparently there was a communication issue, so the doctor was not there until about 8:15, 15 minutes after my "perfectly timed retrieval" was supposed to start.

The positive is that it's over. I can lay back down and try to sleep again because it feels much better when I am laying on my side than when I am sitting up.

Tomorrow's the Day

2010-11-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have been feeling a strong urge to barf all day. I am not sure if it's nerves or maybe side effects from the HCG trigger (I haven't googled it so I am not sure). But, I am definitely feeling extremely uncomfortable. I am hoping that my ovaries aren't enlarging out of control and that it's just a bit of gas (I know, TMI). I survived the trigger last night. I only had a small teeny panic attack, but I got over it. It wasn't that bad, I guess. I just hope I can behave myself tomorrow. I tend to lose control in situations of high stress, especially if there are doctors and/or needles involved.

I am really praying that this is the only time we have to go through this. I will be heartbroken if we go through all this and it doesn't work.

What I Missed

2010-11-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

I talked to my nurse this afternoon. I had to get the time to trigger and the time for my arrival and egg retrieval time. I asked about all the stuff I was too busy focusing on not peeing to remember.

Estrogen - 1,952
R - 19.5, 18, 15.5, 15.5
L - 25, 22.5, 21.5, 20, 17.5, 13, 12
Lining - 10.5mm

So, everything seems to be on track.

I am really wishing I had taken tomorrow off. I have already told my boss that I am taking either next Tuesday or Thursday off. I don't want to be thinking about work on transfer day!

Trigger Tonight

2010-11-11T09:07:00.000-05:00

So I had lots of mature-looking follies so I am going to trigger tonight. I didn't get the counts and sizes today because they left me in the room waiting for 15 minutes and by the time he did the u/s, I had to pee. So, the u/s was very uncomfortable - more so than usual.

The dr. said Saturday's retrieval should be "eggs"ceptional. ha. ha.

I do not want to be at work today. I am hating work right now anyway and having this all going on makes me very unmotivated and distracted.

The good news is that when the nurse drew my smiley face yesterday for the HCG trigger, she said I only needed a 1 inch needle and gave me a couple of those. I feel much less stressed about the trigger now. The bad news is that now I am focused on the IV and the retrieval and even more stressed. I hope my husband can stay with me right up until they take me into the retrieval room b/c I am going to be a mess, I am sure.

Acupuncture tomorrow afternoon.
I need to focus on being positive.
I need to focus on the gospel and Christ's love.

Wednesday Update

2010-11-10T12:46:00.000-05:00

I had another monitoring appointment this morning and it looks like I will not trigger until Thursday unless I hear differently from the nurse. Of course, she'll call me either way, but things are always subject to change. This stinks b/c my husband has a free ticket to the Falcons game on Thursday and he won't be able to go because he has to give me the trigger shot. There's no way I could do this myself. I can't even give myself the subcutaneous shots. The nurse went ahead and drew a nice cute smiley face on the upper part of my rear before I left, just in case. She gets too much joy in drawing those things. Really.

I just heard from her as I was typing this up. She said that my estrogen is 1530 and that they do want to see me tomorrow to see if we'll trigger. My husband is on the fence on whether to go ahead and give away his ticket or wait.

Follice count was good, and the RE even turned it around and showed me since I wasn't in as much discomfort as I was on Monday.

R - 16.5, 13, 13, 13
L - 17.5, 19, 22.5, 13, 17.5, 15
Lining 9.5mm!

So, I think he wants to give the smaller ones a chance to catch up. I am starting to feel really nervous. The nurse told me to relax and not get worked up and I wanted to hit her. But, I just looked at her and flared my nostrils, gave a small smile, and walked away.

We're Still In the Game!!

2010-11-08T13:03:00.000-05:00

Things went pretty well at the RE today. Less follies than he'd like but still 5-6 that were "measurable". I thought my ovaries were going to pop while he did the u/s, really. I am still doing 300 Gonal-f and 75 Menopur w/ no Lupron and I'll go back on Wednesday, so it's looking like a Friday retrieval or later since we need 36 hours after trigger and they always to retrievals in the morning, which is fine with me. I am excited and scared and I really don't want to work. So much so that I forgot my computer today and am working with a loaner. Yuck! So much to do. I wanted to check in though! Thanks for checking!

Emby

Keeping It Positive

2010-11-07T17:18:00.000-05:00

I have been keeping a positive attitude. I agree with my commenters and my husband that I need to just focus on what the RE said to me personally more than what the nurse said. Plus, I really feel like things are going on down there. My pants aren't tight or anything but I am definitely feeling some "different-ness" in that area. I am not upset that my pants aren't tight or taking that as a bad sign because I am aware that I have less eggs that a lot of people do. Even if my follicles get huge, it still won't feel as bad as someone with 21 eggs. But I would say I am feeling mild discomfort. Last night I went to a member of my small group's house for a bonfire for our small group and I was holding one of my friend's just over one-year-old. He's so cute, he kept taking off my hat and then wanting me to put it back on so he could take it off again. Anyway, I am getting off subject - well, afterwards, I was thinking I wished I hadn't because it made me feel a little more uncomfortable. I am looking forward to tomorrow because I just can't stand the wait any longer. I am going to kick up the prayers tonight for sure.

Not so Happy Friday

2010-11-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

My appointment today did not go well. I have more follicles this time - 4 on the right that are about 8mm and 4 on the left that are 8mm and 1 that's 11mm. He said that he was going to up my meds and when I asked him when he thought the retrieval would be, he said it would be Wed. or Thurs. I mentioned that I wasn't responding well and he said that he didn't think things were going that badly. But, when I went in to talk to the nurse, she told me that they don't want to see me back until Monday and that if my follicles hadn't grown any, Dr. P would more than likely cancel my cycle. So, I was kind of blown over because the doctor was all optimistic and the nurse was all doom and gloom. And frankly it freaked me out. I have been very upset all day. I am just not sure what to think. All I know is that I need to not worry about it. I know that God is in control and His will will be done. I know that. But, it's still hard not to worry.

The Results Are In

2010-11-02T20:28:00.000-04:00

I had my monitoring scan today. 3 on the left less than 8mm; 3 on the right less than 8mm; lining a 3. Estrogen 108. I think that the number of follicles is less than they wanted to see, so they have upped my Gonal-f from 187 per night to 225 per night, still doing 5 units Lupron and 75 Menopur. I hope this does the job. I ordered more Gonal-f since I'll be using one every 2 days now. That stuff is SO expensive. But, it will be worth it when we get pregnant this time. :)

I had acupuncture today too and he puts a needle between my eyes (he kind of pinches the skin then pushes it at a downward angle, so it's kind of parallel to my forehead. Anyway, that one gave me a headache today. I was so glad I didn't plan to go back to work because I still have a headache and I took an hour-long nap when I got home! I woke up to a 15 pound cat putting all his weight on my stomach with one little paw. Ouch. But, it was sweet that he wanted to check on me. His brother had already taken the spot next to my legs and out new little girl kitty had to jump up there too to get in on the action. Sweetest.kitties.ever.

Crazy...?

2010-11-01T22:00:00.000-04:00

I will warn you that this "quick post" has turned out to be kind of long. You're a trooper if you read to the end.

Well, tomorrow is my second ultrasound of this cycle.

TMI coming up...

I am a bit nervous because when I went in last Friday, while he said everything looked good, he couldn't see my left ovary because he said I should have gone to the bathroom before I came. Really? I had just gone. But, now I feel all nervous it won't be any different. I am probably not getting enough fiber in my diet. I guess I need to eat more vegetables since I can't have whole wheat and things like that.

TMI over...

Besides that, I am surprised at how not freaked out I am. I mean, I am trying to just not think about the egg retrieval because I am terribly nervous about that. Like throw up nervous. I am nervous about the IV, I am nervous I will wake up in the middle, I am nervous they'll mess up the anesthesia and I will not be working with a full deck when I wake up, I am nervous about the pain afterwards. Just nervous. Also, I have spent the last two years taking as little medicine as possible, drinking no caffeine or artificial sweeteners, and no alcohol. And then, three to five days before I get pregnant, I am going to be filling my entire body with anesthesia and then taking pain meds that whole day and probably the next (I think, I am not sure how that works). But, if you think I am going to suffer through it without pain medicine, well I am not that brave. I am not into unproductive pain. I am just thankful that my clinic puts you to sleep. It seems like all the ones in my area do. I have read blogs of people (mostly in other countries) where they do not and I think that's kind of cruel. I mean, why not? No one wants to remember that.

I also know that my coworkers are all wondering what is going on with me but we are not talking about this with anyone except for one couple that we are the closest to at church. We don't want people pulling us to the side to talk to us at church or accidentally saying something or worst of all, giving unwanted advice. I have two friends that know we're struggling and they are the give advice types.

"You need to go to a different doctor."

"I had a neighbor who had a stressful job and when she quit her job she got pregnant. I think you need to quit your job." (Really, because then how will I pay for IVF when that doesn't work?)

Two of my close girlfriends (the one who we are telling about IVF and the one in the statement above saying I should quit my job) got pregnant after we'd been trying for a year. Now, their boys are 6 weeks apart and they are both a little over a year old. The one in that keeps telling me I should quit my job also says things like, "It's going to be so beneficial for you to be the last to have kids because you can watch us." Really? I was the first to get married and while I did think, wow, I wish I had thought of that, I never regretted it. I think I'd be just fine having been the first to have kids and I know LOTS of great moms at my church.

I don't know. I love these girls and I know they love me and would never say something to hurt me. They are true sisters in Christ and we are close. I feel like I have kind of distanced myself in some ways to protect myself. Mainly because I can't share all my struggles and feelings with them because they can't understand. But, sometimes it does get on my nerves. I mainly don't talk to two of them about it anymore because there is really nothing else to say since my husband and I have agreed to only tell the one couple. Also, I figure I am probably just being too sensitive.

We also have a set of friends that don't know anything about our struggles and the wife in that couple is constantly making comments and asking when we are going to get started. Because we are going to really tell you if we haven't already. She's clueless. I'm afraid my husband is going to go off on her one day. And he has a lot more patience than I do. A lot.

What do you think? Am I too sensitive or would you roll your eyes at some of those things?

Either way, I know that me not being in the "Mom Club" does not keep me from being friends and sisters in Christ with these ladies. We have a relationship because we share a belief in the gospel and Jesus is our savior. There is nothing that can change that. I have to keep reminding myself that and working to be more like Christ. The more Christ-like I am the less things like that will bother me. I read something to the gist of this on a blog I found during ICLW and it was such a blessing to me to read that post. It was such a great reminder.

Update

2010-10-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my baseline appointment went really well. My dr. did a physical of sorts and then an ultrasound and a estrogen blood test. Everything looked ready to go on the u/s with plenty of antral follicles. My estrogen was supposed to be between 20-55 and mine was 27. So, the Lupron has done it's job. I'll go back on Tuesday and we'll be looking for some of the follicles to hopefully begin maturing and my estrogen to be on the rise. So, so far so good. We made up the little Lupron/Menopur/Gonal-f cocktail and injected it. Apparently all syringes have their drawbacks because this one did not want to push in and prolonged the process (and the stinging as the meds went in). But, I guess we have plenty of time to figure it out.

Last weekend my sister and I really enjoyed the self defense class. It was a good beginner lesson. The company that put it on is a little unorganized but they offer several other classes.

My husband made me a surprise appointment (which he told me about to make sure the timing was right) to get a massage at Spa Sydell! He's so thoughtful. He wants me to be relaxing while I'm going through this cycle. That's a tall order with my job right now.

Well, I hope everyone has a fun, safe weekend!

Things Are Really About To Get Started...

2010-10-28T21:01:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning is my baseline appointment for my IVF cycle. I'll have b/w and an u/s to make sure everything is cooperating. Then, tomorrow night, we'll make our little Lupron/Menopur/Gonal-f cocktail and we'll be on our way! I had acupuncture today in the middle of the day and then had to go back to work afterwards. Ugh! It always makes me feel so tired that I want to go home and sleep. I am dragging...and headed to get ready for bed already!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Things Are Going...

2010-10-22T20:47:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been surviving the injections. I thought I might try to give myself one, but decided it wasn't a great idea. My husband has been doing a really good job. The insulin syringes that came with my Lupron are not the best. The nurse told us they were dull, but really, why? Anyway, they have caused a bit of difficulty and trial and error, but he really has done well. Plus, my husband is so loving. He always crawls in to bed next to me and rubs my arm and stomach and gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me after he's given me the shot. I try to behave, I just lay there and close my eyes, but what I really want to do is run from the room. Oh, and I hold my breathe. I think that gives him motivation to go more quickly. They really don't hurt that much, if at all, but I seriously have issues with needles. It's all in my head.

I was afraid I'd be a crazy person, all angry one second and weepy the next. I really haven't felt that any more than usual, maybe even less, so I guess that means I am already crazy; or it isn't affecting me. My acupuncturist told me that Lupron is really a kind of stimulant to your body according to Chinese medicine, even though it stops everything "down there". He then said that I might be reacting well because it might be similar to giving a kid with ADHD stimulants to calm them down and allow them to think more calmly and be normal. Do you think he was inferring that I am high strung? I'm not sure how I got to be so high strung. It must have been puberty when it hit because when I was a little girl, I was pretty mellow.

My sister and I are going to a self-defense class at Centennial Olympic Park tomorrow. I am really looking forward to it. I just hope she doesn't beat me up. She's always been a lot more aggressive than me.

Happy ICLW to everyone! I am off to read some blogs and give some support!

We Have A Plan

2010-10-16T20:17:00.000-04:00

So, my husband and I were at the RE for about 3 hours on Friday morning. I had my saline ultrasound, which was a little painful, but not too bad. They checked my prolactin level because they couldn't find that I'd ever had that done (I thought I had, but couldn't say when or by whom). Now that I think of it, they never called me with those results. I guess I'll be calling them on Monday. They did an updated SA on my husband (which they also did not call us about). I have been taking BCPs since the 8th and I will begin doing Lupron injections on Sunday. I have serious issues with needles. Like passing out, hyperventilating, you get the picture, issues. When we did the IUI cycle with just a couple of injections last time, the only one we ended up having to do ourselves was the Ovidrel, which was subcutaneous, and I let my husband do it. He did a really good job, but my nerves were shot by the time he did it because I was so nervous. I think I am going to try to do it myself but I am not sure if I can do it. I mean, physically, will I be able to stab myself with a needle. Then, when we do the trigger, it will be intramuscular. Yikes! I did not like the look of that needle or the thought that if he hits a vein, he'll have to try again.

Anyway, I'll be doing Lupron only until my baseline ultrasound and b/w on Oct. 29. Then, that night I'll start the stims and still be taking the Lupron. I am doing one vial of Menopur and Gonal-f. The nurse taught us how to mix it to where we only have to do one injection. I should have "freqent" monitoring appointments between 11/2 thru 11/9-11 and my retrieval should be 11/9-11/11. I warned my boss that my doctor's appointments are going to get even worse than they already were and that if he really wanted to know what was going on I'd tell him but it was super personal and I wasn't sure if he'd want to know. He didn't ask. Whew. I told him I would be out on the entire day of the egg retrieval, but I also told him that it was a procedure for which I'd be under anesthesia so I might be out the next day too. I will probably take the next day off regardless of how I am feeling because darnit my job is stressful right now and I could use a day off.

Between the increase in my workload at work and the impending daily injections, my stomach hasn't been right since last Friday before our RE appointment. I have had that nervous feeling constantly ever since.

Okay, has anyone ever had this one: the last two mornings I have woken up and felt like I couldn't keep myself up straight. My body wants to fall to the left. I thought it might be stress, fatigue, or hormones (or any combination thereof) or maybe an inner ear infection. I googled it and it said that it could be the hormones mixed with stress. I am guessing my BCPs are at fault.

I am really nervous about the side effects of Lupron. I am already on edge these days and I hope I don't get myself fired or say something I'll regret to my sweet husband.

Oh, and the RE said that we were required to have a counseling session before we started IVF and let me tell you, it was worthless! What a waste o $325! All she did was ask about our TTC journey, our family backgrounds, then a couple of specific questions the RE probably has on a list about how we would handle triplets or the tiny chance that we might have to abort if both my life and the baby's was in danger.

Okay, this post is ridiculously long. Have a blessed Sunday tomorrow!

It's a New Day

2010-10-09T10:57:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't updated. Work is crazy, to say the least. I am definitely not pregnant. AF visited on Tuesday and I called the RE nurse to schedule a consultation. We have decided to move forward with IVF. This is not an easy decision as we have been through much study and prayer for over a year to get here (and saving $). I started BCPs last night. It could just be a reaction from all the stress I've had this week, or it could be the BCPs, but I feel a little off today. Mild headache, mild queasiness. Nothing that really warrants a complaint, but I still feel it.

Well, please keep us in your prayers. I thought I would feel a lot more emotional, but I feel ready. Scared to death but ready. I have serious issues with needles and anything medical-related. So, I hope I survive. I felt sad that I have a new nurse for IVF. If we don't get pregnant and do an FET, I'll get my old nurse back. I like the new one okay, but I am just not a huge fan of change, really.

Have a great weekend everyone! Lot's of sales this week. My husband and I are meeting my sister, her husband and her step-daughter at the corn maze at Cagle's Dairy. It's supposedly A-maize-ing! But, we may have to stop at the Loft on the way there or back so that I can check out their $25 sweaters, of which I am in desperate need.

Things Are Looking Down

2010-10-04T19:16:00.000-04:00

So, I start spotting today. I went for acupuncture and the acunpunturist told me to come home and take a HPT and to take one again in the morning if it was negative. He said if it was positive to try to come see him again tomorrow. Well, it was negative. I'll try again tomorrow morning b/c I know that the HPT is more likely to get an early positive with the first morning urine. Things are not looking great. I am feeling really down about this. What to do?

2 WW Almost Over

2010-10-03T16:02:00.000-04:00

Well, I have managed to stay sane the past 9 days by being so busy I could barely spend time to think about it. My job duties are changing and I am basically doing the work of 2 people right now until they figure out who to give the stuff I am giving up away. Blah!

Anyway, the RE told me to do a HPT 10-12 days after the IUI. Tomorrow is day 10, so I am going to wait until Tuesday morning. I have been reading to see if I have any "symptoms," but I also know that the same symptoms can be other things as well, like digestive issues or PMS. I have been charting my temperature and it is still higher than it was before ovulation. But, so was last month's. I am having some cramping, but sometimes I have menstrual cramps this early in my cycle also. I have some constipation, but sometimes that happens randomly too. I have been somewhat moody...but we all know that that can happen sometimes too. So, the point of my rambling is that I am still hopeful but I am trying to not completely convince myself I'm pregnant because I don't want to be so disappointed.

That's all the update I have for now.

IUI Yesterday!

2010-09-25T14:13:00.000-04:00

I am feeling very hopeful. Yesterday I had an IUI done and the conditions were just right! For my own memory, I am going to walk through my cycle.

First of all, I started seeing a new RE in the middle of my last cycle. He had me come off some of the supplements that Naturopath/Nutritionist had me on and because I have Hashimoto's disease - which means I have elevated antibodies in my thyroid that think it's a foreign object and try to attack it - he put me on Levothyoxine. Now, I do not know if any of these things is what cause this, but my cycle lasted 50 days! I have never skipped a period in my life and the next longest cycle I ever had was probably about 35-36 days. So, I was concerned, to say the least. When I got about 5 days past my normal start date (which is usually about day 31), the RE prescribed Prometrium vaginal suppositories. I took those for 10 days and started 2 days after I had finished the prescription.

Day 1 9/8/10
Day 3 9/10/10 - Come in for baseline u/s; b/w - LH and Estradio; and a pregnancy test - prescribed Letrazole to take days 3-7
Day 8 9/15/10 - Went in for an injection of Menopur (150mg) (I can't do my own injections - fainting would surely follow)
Day 11 9/18/10 - Had an u/s - 2 maturing follicles - one on each side - I believe they were 16mm and 17mm; uterine lining was only 5.12mm, which is not ideal. Did b/w to test Estradiol and LH and gave me an injection of low-dose HCG to urge my lining to thicken up and my follicles to get a little bigger. They call me with the results of my b/w and they want to see me again on Monday (Day 13) to do another u/s and possibly more b/w.
Day 13 9/20/10 - u/s showed my lining at 6.56mm and a 18mm and a 19mm follicle. Looks good but not as great as they'd like. Do estradiol and LH again to make sure I am not surging. Nurse calls later in the day wanting me to come in the next day for an injection of Bravelle then have another u/s and possible b/w on Wed.
Day 14 9/21/10 - Bravelle injection
Day 15 9/22/10 - u/s - R follicle 21.46 L follicle 17.46; lining 8.56! Dr. P wants to wait and have us do the trigger that evening and come in on Friday for the IUI. (We used Ovidrel for the trigger.)
Day 17 9/24/10 - my husband's appointment was at 9:30 and mine was at 11:20. My sweet hubby stayed to be there with me so that we wouldn't get pregnant while he wasn't even there. The Dr. was really cool though. He inserted the little tube then had my hubby push the plunger in. Then he told my husband that now when the baby cries I have to blame my hubby and not Dr. P. I thought it was a nice thought.

So, now I wait 10-12 days and take a pregnancy test! I am praying that I don't have a visit from AF before then. Dr. P said to come in even if I get a period and they'll do a test to make sure I am not pregnant since our cycle looks so good!

Today, I went to the Resolve Walk of Hope at Piedmont Park and caught up with some girls I went to HS with and met a few new people whose blogs I have read. One of the ladies actually lives about 10 minutes from me as it turns out! My RE was there with his dog. It was interesting to see him out of the office. I wondered if he'd recognize me with all my clothes on. ;) But, he did, of course.

Please be praying that we get good results. I know that everything works out for the good of God's plans. His will is always fulfilled. I just wish I knew what His will was for our life.

The Wonderful World of Visiting an RE

2010-09-19T20:46:00.000-04:00

Part of the way through the next cycle, we had our first appointment with an RE in Atlanta. While I had read about all of the major REs in Atlanta, I picked this one because it was the one my gyn referred me to and they had an office not only near Northside Hospital but also in John's Creek. We did two IUIs with them and were told that we could do one more if we wanted. I didn't want. It seemed like a waste of money to me. So, our only other option was IVF. I was NOT ready for that. I had done a lot of reading that your diet and acupuncture can help you get pregnant naturally. I specifically asked the RE about the diet thing and she told me it really didn't make much difference. But, I didn't, and still don't, believe that. I had already given up what little alcohol I did drink and all caffeinated drinks. Based on all the testing that we had done, no one knew what was going on with us. Everything was normal with my husband and everything looked normal for me except my FSH was a little high (it had been a 7 when my gyn tested it and it was 12.7 at the RE's office). My lining was not getting as thick as they'd have liked either, but it was acceptable and the last cycle of IUI we had I had 3 good follicles and my husband's SA was rock-star.

So, I told the RE we were taking a break and going to a nutritionist and possible acupuncture if I could bring myself to it. I have serious issues with needles. I almost always pass out when they take blood.

I began seeing a nutritionist in October of 2009. My nutritionist was also a naturopath. She did all kinds of testing on my thryoid hormones and said that I have Hashimoto's disease, which is a high level of antibodies which all think my thyroid is foreign and are trying to attack it. She said the only thing to help this is a gluten free diet and she thought I should do dairy free as well. I told her that I wasn't going to do dairy free if she couldn't prove to me why I needed it. I did a blood test to see if I had any food allergies and it found that I was highly intolerant to dairy and mustard and slightly intolerant to grapefruit. She also kept wanting to do all kinds of other blood and saliva tests and give me all these supplements.

In April of 2010, I began seeing an acupunturist. She was Chinese and constantly told me that I had an American diet and there was no way I could be healthy without eating her 8 grain soup which was disgusting. I also felt like her office was really unorganized. So, I started seeing the acupuncturist in the same office with my nutritionist because she highly recommended him. He is an American and also a Naturopathic Doctor. I like him better than the first lady, but I definitely feel his needles and treatment a lot more than I did hers. He says that I am supposed to feel it.

After about 9 months of seeing the nutritionist, the tests she was doing (a very expensive month-long saliva test) showed her that everything with me was great and she couldn't believe I wasn't getting pregnant. Maybe they should do a saliva test on my husband. Well, we did and she starts telling us that he is in male menopause and all this crap. I was like, if he has had an RE and a urologist do several semen analyses on him and a full set of blood work, there is no way. Plus, the fact that although she was saying that her tests were saying that I was ovulating, I was not getting any positive results on my home OPKs. When I told her this, she said I should throw those sticks away because they are wrong. I told this to my acupuncturist and he ordered some bloodwork and it came back extremely non-conclusive as to whether or not I was actually ovulating. Needless to say, we dropped the nutritionist. We had already decided to go back to an RE and don't want to be paying for both at the same time, so it was an easy decision. Plus, we'd finally saved up enough money to pay for IVF if it's required.

I am still doing the gluten free diet. Mainly it's because I don't want to change anything right before we start cycling.

So, that brings us up to about a month ago when we started checking out the other two major REs.

The Beginning

2010-09-10T20:33:00.000-04:00

My husband and I were married in Nov. 2003 and did not begin trying to conceive (TTC) until Dec. 2007. We waited so long for a variety of reasons, all of which seem so silly to me now.

Would it have made a difference? I don't know. I never will.

After 6 months of trying, I called my gyn's office and was told by the nurse that answers calls that I was welcome to come in but she doubted the doctor would do anything. So, I waited until my next regular annual appointment in September of 2008 and when I was telling the nurse who was taking my stats about our concerns, she said, oh yes, 9 months is a long time. Nothing frustrates me more than to talk to multiple people in the same doctor's office and get differing facts/opinions. The doctor offered to give me Clomid or testing. I opted for Clomid - and took Clomid 50mg for 3 months to no avail. I called back and the gyn ordered a day 3 blood panel, which included a glucose test, for which they failed to tell me I needed to fast. Everything looked normal except my blood sugar, which obviously wasn't accurate since I wasn't fasting. He also sent me to have an HSG - for which I was woefully unprepared. I didn't do enough "real life" research on the test, having only read the medical websites about it, so I didn't have my husband come with me. I also went to a testing place that didn't have an x-ray table with stirrups so I had to try to get into this terrible position with my feet on the corners of the table and my rear end scooted all the way forward. It was awful, I don't think I'll go into details. I probably don't need to. The HSG was normal. My husband went for a semen analysis, which was normal, except for a slightly low volume, which they claimed can sometimes happen in that kind of situation. My gyn doubled the Clomid, which I took for 3 more months, to no avail. The next step was for the gyn to put me on Metformin because I might have PCOS because my blood sugar looked funny in the test they did on me INCORRECTLY! Whatever. That stuff made me feel awful, for the record. They also switched me to Letrazole that month. The next month, we did Letrazole and an IUI (at my gyn). Well, that was a wretched experience as well. After all of that, I decided we needed to see a specialist. I had been holding back because I had no insurance coverage for testing or treatment. And, I am pretty cheap. If I am cheap, my husband is a miser. Also, up until about this point in time, he showed no interest in helping me do research or find anything out about infertility and what to do. All of that was about to change.

So, that's the beginning of our story. The next chapters opens with our first RE experience. Stay tuned...

Introduction

2010-09-05T21:01:00.000-04:00

Hello blogging world. This is my first post on my blog about our journey through infertility. I feel like we are at a turning point. We've been through a lot and are seeing an RE once again. I'd like to catch you all up on our story, the path we've been on thus far. We are currently "in the closet" with our infertility to most of our friends and family. I constantly ask myself why. I just don't think I could handle getting advice from people who have never been through what we've been through. I have also read too many of your blogs and am all too familiar with the insensitive things people say to people going through infertility. The few people that we have told are the ones we knew wouldn't judge us and my three closest girlfriends who I told when we started TTC. I regret telling one of them. She just doesn't seem to get it. Who could. My next post will be about the beginning of our "Unknown Path."